...my favorite time of year is finally upon us, autumn. With the temperature outside being warmer than it was on the first day of summer...it is a stretch to really feel its presence, as one or more have been sick for the last 3 weeks in this house. At this point, I need autumn. I yearn for autumn. It has been my antidepressant for years, and at times when I have had to deal with the hardest things in life. We have had a long lasting relationship, autumn and I. In German it is called "Herbst," I always loved that word. It is the embodiment of all good things: Charlie Brown, pumpkin patches, hot bon fires, hot chocolate and cozy blankets. As the leaves change, it is a gentle reminder that so does life. You either jump into the moving car, or get hit by it...
There have been some subtle and not so subtle changes going on in this house. The preteen quotient is soaring, and frankly I was telling someone today, "If there were a military school close enough to just use as a threat, it would be appreciated." I know noting. I was never in Jr. High School. I'm lucky to have a driver's license. The not so subtle comments mixed with small doses of testosterone and drama- yeah, I have three more times to go through this, and we are yet to the hard part. Terrifying, troublesome and TITO'S come to mind. I keep trudging away with my harebrained notions, like a pack mule going up and down the same dusty road day after day...someday I will know what I'm talking about. I was in 7th grade at one time, but I was never a boy. I have to remind myself of that. When everyone else around you has a dropping voice, five o'clock shadow and pit hair- and you aren't there yet, you have something to try to prove. Sadly, I get caught in the crossfire. It is about understanding the day, understanding the way and putting a mental "pin" in things that you know you're going to have to deal with three more times.
With the start of school, it has been sort of nice for everyone to have something to do, something new to discuss at the dinner table or something routinely to look forward to. A couple weeks ago, I was helping Atticus off with his shoes, talking about his day- and it hit me. He was talking a mile a minute, describing things into great detail, and I was sort of in awe. He wasn't speaking in a sort of baby way, he was using big words, using his hands to speak, he was instantly grown. It probably was happening subtly, but I nearly fell over as it sort of caught me off guard. Since then, I've noticed he has become this ball buster. Day to day speaking to my kids, they tune me out sometimes I don't blame them. Maybe because I speak too much? Maybe because they don't want to hear what I have to say? In the last two weeks I will say something, and it is crickets. The next thing I know, Atticus is sternly announcing, "HOW ABOUT WE ALL CALM DOWN HERE AND QUIT ARGUING." The first time, I almost laughed out loud. But since then, it's like he's my mental evaluator, letting everyone involved know, that indeed this chick is going to lose it, you don't get a second warning. Tonight it happened, and I just pointed at him and said, "Ah, the voice of reason..."
To many, autumn is the not so subtle reminder that winter is just around the corner. To them, it isn't the beauty of the colors all around them, but the dying off and the subsequent clean up. I guess I look at this season differently because it has also represented some very hard things in my life...change that no one asked for, clean up that no one wanted to face. But in that same moment I have to remind myself that there is definitely something bigger, a higher power, because how could anything that is dying off be so beautiful? How could any time of the year just by becoming crisper outdoors bring people together? No matter what this time of year has brought me, I am reminded of where I am, why I am here, and how lucky I am to get to enjoy it...with the voice of reason and my possible reasons for Tito's.
