The moon is full...no I mean, REALLY FULL. I heard today that the moon is the fullest it's been or will be in a while...triggering unrivaled emotions, odd behavior, and mood swings. I would have normally said, "...sounds like your average day here". Then I started thinking. It made clear sense...almost eerily so.
While the nudist colony still stakes claim here, I've taken it upon myself to dress Atti in MANY layers. By the time I find him trying to get 'as nature intended', he's usually only two layers in...we've negotiated on socks, they are now optional. However, I made it very clear that some day, the orange jumpsuit will be mandatory, enjoy his freedoms now. He laughs, and runs away, usually finding the most pointy object he possibly can find...fourth kid.
The moon's lure did not surprise me in this house. Emotions have been running high for a few days, about very little on the surface, which usually means there's more there but no one is wanting to talk. I even found myself if a fury of things to do today, and then duly noted to myself, get ready...it's your turn next. Not sure if I can blame this on exhaustion, or just another family event tomorrow. At any rate, it hit. Tomorrow Abe's birthday...It's hard to imagine, as it seems like yesterday he was born. As with any holiday, I try extra hard on the kids birthdays to make sure it is as it has always been...but sometimes I wonder if it's enough.
I am very careful about talking about Jason with them. I don't make a big deal out of it, he's part of our vernacular. However, I try very hard not to pry into what they are feeling. Not because I don't want to know, I'm always wary of picking a scab. I'm always wondering, if I say too much is it just going to make them feel worse? I try to constantly and subtly remind them that there is always an open door, when they want it, it's there. But, there are times when I don't have to remind them...they really have no problem of saying it, I'm not the one they want to talk to.
I wish I knew a way to describe Heaven...at least to a four year old. I wish I could just say Guam...at least I could tell her where it was at. I'm asked the same questions routinely. I've read all the books to her. I've quoted Maria Shriver, Elmo, and the kid who died and came back again. Even though I give the same answers every time I'm asked, I know she keeps asking because it's not really the answer she wants, hoping I'll just crack under the pressure. She so desperately wants what she cannot have. It comes in waves, and currently it's high tide.
Then I have one on the opposite end of the spectrum who cannot put it directly into words, but he's just mad. He can mask it at times, but when things don't seem to be going his way, look out! I thought I had a fairly menacing glare, but this kid has nothing on me. I know he's scared, and I can't make him talk until he's ready. So, until then...I enjoy the occasional look of , "...I really hate you...". Last night I called him on it. Told him that while I know life is hard, I'm afraid he's stuck with me. If he was planning to move out, make sure to clean his room before he left.
Then there is Abe, who turns eight tomorrow.This kid that seemingly is right on the cusp of being ornery. He is so full of love. No seriously, the kid would do anything for anyone...willingly plays with the Smalls...he'll run down in the middle of the night to let me know Oscar is sick. He usually does what he's asked to do, THE FIRST TIME. In this house, that's the equivalent of a superhero/mythical character/ someone from the Box Car Children (Abe's newly disclosed favorite books). He is quick with his humor, he loves with all of his heart, and he is a spirited ladies man...heaven help me.
Sometimes, the things that really haunt me, aren't always for me, but for my children. The things that they don't get to have that so many of their friends might take for granted. Everyday I'm sure they miss what they had...even if they've done a lot of living since. Everyday, I try to fill in the gaps of what they might missing. But, let's face it, I'm fighting a ghost. I'm the one telling them to clean their room. I'm the one telling them not to set bad examples for their siblings. I'm the one who can't fully explain why you can't see heaven. I'm the one who can't help them remember an exact time they had with their dad. I'm the one who gets to see their faces the first thing when they wake up...and sometimes it stings, knowing mine isn't the one they wish to see.
I know my kids love me. I know that I have tried hard to keep some stability/routine/sanity here for them, even when I myself was about to lose it. Cut to me, frosting a birthday cake today, thinking do they even know why I do this? It doesn't matter, because I do it for them. The moon, yeah, it caught up with me tonight. For a moment, I was taking out the trash, and before I knew it I was emotional. How much has changed in eight years. How different our lives have become. Life doesn't give you what you want. It gives you what is supposed to happen. How you survive it is up to you. Me? While it's been a while, I've become adept at hiding tears...
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Sunday, January 12, 2014
...un-scactioned nudist colony...
Most days in my house aren't really unlike that of any other house...with the exception of maybe the volume, high levels of drama, and well today...nudity. While everyday isn't going to look like the idyllic notion that you might project to others that it is. There are those days when you look around and think...what the hell is going on in here today?
It's payback really. I went out with friends last night. It was the first time in nearly two weeks that I had been out of the house without children. The earnings of those days start early, and at some point you look at the clock and think, how many hours until the babysitter gets here?! I love my kids, with every ounce that I am. However, getting out, being with adults...it's heady. It's this experience that seriously is more than just getting away from my house, it's an escape from worries, drama, and debates.
So, that being said...today, well, it was a nice cosmic wedgie, reminding me that , "...hey, guess what? this is your life..." Like a cold splash of water to wake you up? Yeah, mine started with a naked toddler, who decided to start potty training himself, in his crib. He was naked as the day he was born, so very proud telling me what he did, and that indeed these were his 'frank-n-beans' pointing downward. That's a lot to take in at 6:01 in the morning. Little did I know, that we now live in an un-sanctioned nudist colony...I just kept finding him, nude. Not all laid out or running through the house...going through the video cabinet, reading books, talking to his Elmo doll. Seemingly as if, he didn't even notice the slight breeze he was getting. And with every naked adventure, came the gift of bodily fluid. At one point I actually asked Abe, "...do you think it would be wrong to duct tape his clothes on him?" 'Cause you know, asking an 8 year old that kind of stuff makes sense...I needed feedback I guess.
There were fist fights, arguments, declarations of 'you're the meanest brother ever' or 'you wish'...it was making me twitch. The drama queen who sat for 68 minutes at the dinner table refusing to eat one sugar snap pea. Finally, when I told her that her time was up, she succumbed. Afterward, she marched through the house so proud of herself, as if she'd just taken down the CRACKEN. Meanwhile, headgear mysteriously broke...at this point, I look at the Talls smiles, and it's like a cartoon, all I see are dollar signs. So, it looks like we'll be loitering in the office of Dr. Paul Miller, DDS within the next few days...
I love my kids. I'm grateful to be their mother. I'm blessed to have the challenge of being their parent. While it's a challenge, I'm fortunate to stay with the ones who are still at home for now. I'm gratified at the end of the day that we all survived to do it all over again tomorrow. I at one point today, I looked out my kitchen window and thought...so, did you have fun last night?...two more weeks until it happens again.
It's payback really. I went out with friends last night. It was the first time in nearly two weeks that I had been out of the house without children. The earnings of those days start early, and at some point you look at the clock and think, how many hours until the babysitter gets here?! I love my kids, with every ounce that I am. However, getting out, being with adults...it's heady. It's this experience that seriously is more than just getting away from my house, it's an escape from worries, drama, and debates.
So, that being said...today, well, it was a nice cosmic wedgie, reminding me that , "...hey, guess what? this is your life..." Like a cold splash of water to wake you up? Yeah, mine started with a naked toddler, who decided to start potty training himself, in his crib. He was naked as the day he was born, so very proud telling me what he did, and that indeed these were his 'frank-n-beans' pointing downward. That's a lot to take in at 6:01 in the morning. Little did I know, that we now live in an un-sanctioned nudist colony...I just kept finding him, nude. Not all laid out or running through the house...going through the video cabinet, reading books, talking to his Elmo doll. Seemingly as if, he didn't even notice the slight breeze he was getting. And with every naked adventure, came the gift of bodily fluid. At one point I actually asked Abe, "...do you think it would be wrong to duct tape his clothes on him?" 'Cause you know, asking an 8 year old that kind of stuff makes sense...I needed feedback I guess.
There were fist fights, arguments, declarations of 'you're the meanest brother ever' or 'you wish'...it was making me twitch. The drama queen who sat for 68 minutes at the dinner table refusing to eat one sugar snap pea. Finally, when I told her that her time was up, she succumbed. Afterward, she marched through the house so proud of herself, as if she'd just taken down the CRACKEN. Meanwhile, headgear mysteriously broke...at this point, I look at the Talls smiles, and it's like a cartoon, all I see are dollar signs. So, it looks like we'll be loitering in the office of Dr. Paul Miller, DDS within the next few days...
I love my kids. I'm grateful to be their mother. I'm blessed to have the challenge of being their parent. While it's a challenge, I'm fortunate to stay with the ones who are still at home for now. I'm gratified at the end of the day that we all survived to do it all over again tomorrow. I at one point today, I looked out my kitchen window and thought...so, did you have fun last night?...two more weeks until it happens again.
Saturday, January 4, 2014
...TODAY'S THE DAY I GO OFF...
New adventures. New year. New evaluation of your life...you see it everywhere. Everyone starts the year hearing/seeing that this is the time of year to become what you've always dreamed of. This is the fresh new start that you deserve. It's every where from the television programs you watch to the advertising you subliminally listen to. The fact is...it's difficult task, that's why in June you aren't as inundated with such messages, as most have either given up or moved on to the next task at hand.
The other night I had to write a short biography of myself. It seems pretty self explanatory...what you've done, where you've done it. Honestly, I dreaded it more that seeing the gynecologist. I have no problem telling the exploits of my children, or giving my opinion on something. Writing about myself, I was stumped. I went back to what I learned in high school writing: just the facts. The fact is, my life has been what it has based on the experiences I've had, not on the jobs I've held or the promotions I've been given...
The thought of "...it's a quarter past I don't know what the hell I'm doing" crosses my mind more than three times a week. After mentioning this out loud earlier this week when my friend April was here, she looked at me straight in the eyes. Meanwhile Oscar had walked into the room. And while patting him on the back, as he was reaching over her for some snacks she said, "...but look how well they have turned out". Oscar sort of looked at her, snorted and walked away. Cut to April and I dying laughing...
Last spring I was accused of being a witch, as I taught above mentioned seriously organized friend how to fold a fitted sheet. She was astonished and had never seen it before. I was on cloud nine, thinking I might know something about the world...then realized such accomplishments weren't resume worthy. Fact of the matter is, in my overly verbal brain, I have little to nothing that I could actually put on a resume...unless throwing a cocktail party is now a section on a resume in the new millennium. My skill set is skewed for either an elderly companion or someone likely to join a cult.
While April was visiting, she walked me through a few things I needed to set up online. With every click of the laptop, I felt like some 80 year old, who had never used a computer before. I kept apologizing for acting like such a dolt. To which she said, "...why would you know how to do any of this? It's not in your daily skill set...I do it everyday." She held my hand setting up author pages, twitter accounts (still don't know what the hell I'm doing), and understanding why certain passwords might get me flagged in some bizarre way...I like creative passwords, but my brain is lacking it's vital dose of gingko biloba...
I'm three days into 2014, and I'm tired of people showing me the 'skinny version' of a recipe. I want more things on sale that yogurt. I'm stubborn enough to want to make those 'resolutions' later in the year, when the sight of my backside in a swim suit terrifies me properly. In the meantime I plan to look at some opportunities I have been given. While my job for the last 9 years has been motherhood, and at times it's seriously two minutes from being chaos here daily. Today I actually heard Nora exclaim, "...TODAY'S THE DAY I GO OFF!!". Even though that is my nearly everyday, I'm grateful everyday that I have done things the way I have. Now, it seems time to change things up a bit, put on another hat, get out of non-yoga-practicing-yoga-pants and look at what else life has to offer. Take in every second of new opportunities, learn from them and about myself. Happy 2014!
The other night I had to write a short biography of myself. It seems pretty self explanatory...what you've done, where you've done it. Honestly, I dreaded it more that seeing the gynecologist. I have no problem telling the exploits of my children, or giving my opinion on something. Writing about myself, I was stumped. I went back to what I learned in high school writing: just the facts. The fact is, my life has been what it has based on the experiences I've had, not on the jobs I've held or the promotions I've been given...
The thought of "...it's a quarter past I don't know what the hell I'm doing" crosses my mind more than three times a week. After mentioning this out loud earlier this week when my friend April was here, she looked at me straight in the eyes. Meanwhile Oscar had walked into the room. And while patting him on the back, as he was reaching over her for some snacks she said, "...but look how well they have turned out". Oscar sort of looked at her, snorted and walked away. Cut to April and I dying laughing...
Last spring I was accused of being a witch, as I taught above mentioned seriously organized friend how to fold a fitted sheet. She was astonished and had never seen it before. I was on cloud nine, thinking I might know something about the world...then realized such accomplishments weren't resume worthy. Fact of the matter is, in my overly verbal brain, I have little to nothing that I could actually put on a resume...unless throwing a cocktail party is now a section on a resume in the new millennium. My skill set is skewed for either an elderly companion or someone likely to join a cult.
While April was visiting, she walked me through a few things I needed to set up online. With every click of the laptop, I felt like some 80 year old, who had never used a computer before. I kept apologizing for acting like such a dolt. To which she said, "...why would you know how to do any of this? It's not in your daily skill set...I do it everyday." She held my hand setting up author pages, twitter accounts (still don't know what the hell I'm doing), and understanding why certain passwords might get me flagged in some bizarre way...I like creative passwords, but my brain is lacking it's vital dose of gingko biloba...
I'm three days into 2014, and I'm tired of people showing me the 'skinny version' of a recipe. I want more things on sale that yogurt. I'm stubborn enough to want to make those 'resolutions' later in the year, when the sight of my backside in a swim suit terrifies me properly. In the meantime I plan to look at some opportunities I have been given. While my job for the last 9 years has been motherhood, and at times it's seriously two minutes from being chaos here daily. Today I actually heard Nora exclaim, "...TODAY'S THE DAY I GO OFF!!". Even though that is my nearly everyday, I'm grateful everyday that I have done things the way I have. Now, it seems time to change things up a bit, put on another hat, get out of non-yoga-practicing-yoga-pants and look at what else life has to offer. Take in every second of new opportunities, learn from them and about myself. Happy 2014!
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