...hey jealousy...

Awe...its pissy pants Monday here with one of my precious offspring, I wish I had gotten the memo or for that matter even know how to quell it. But alas, I sent him off to school flushed with the hope that it would somehow go away by 3:30 this afternoon, I pre-apologize to his teachers at this moment. Some days you just get the "Pissy Pants" card, but some notice or even cause would be appreciated once in a while.

While I was sipping my coffee in the predawn hours of my kitchen, I came across a story on my social media feed. It was entitled "The 5 Things You Should Know About Dating a Single Mom." I'll admit, upon seeing it I was intrigued. I got about half a paragraph in and thought, what the hell? I don't need to read this, I live it. After thinking about it, all the things they could have put in that first paragraph, I wonder if I should go back and read the rest.

Fact of the matter is, IT IS TOUGH. If any one man knew the inner workings of my brain upon looking at me, he should RUN not walk away. My control issues...my hang-ups...my anxieties. If I knew 12 years ago that I would end up a single mother, I probably wouldn't have had the courage, moxie or the self-confidence to do it. Any mother who chooses to do this is either psychotic or has their shit together way more than I do. It is one thing to get married, start a family and the marriage does not work out. You came, you saw, you tried, it didn't work and you made the decision to end things. But what about someone who didn't get to make that decision.

Dating is difficult at any age. The beginning is thrilling, getting to know all of the inner workings of another person that you are excited to be around, talk to and think about. The simplicity of wanting to spend time with someone who makes you a better, nuttier, loving version of yourself. There are no other factors to consider besides being happy. Fast forward 20 years, you are older and now have more people to take into consideration on just about every choice or decision you make, even down to what kind of toothpaste you purchase. How does your brain and your heart work in the single-mother-dating-category?

Nora has been on the prowl for a grown man in this house since nearly the beginning. She would check out men at the grocery store, look them up and down and rate them even at 4 years old. To her it's more than just wanting to marry me off, to her it is trying to find a man to look to and up to for security. No person will ever replace her father, but I found it interesting that her coping mechanism was just as simple as putting together a puzzle...if one piece is missing, fill it with another.

Maybe my brain could more easily traverse around this beautiful vista of dating if I had chosen it. Maybe I could put aside my anxieties about what I may or may not be doing to all of those of whom I am responsible. Maybe I would be able to make a decision for myself outside of wanting what is best for all involved. Maybe I could just trust myself and let myself be happy before turning tail and running. I have seen dozens of people get married in the last 4 years, some of whom I have been lucky enough to introduce. While I am genuinely happy for them, to find that person that completes all the wonderful things that make them who they are, at times I am jealous. Of course, Ryan Gosling isn't going to show up at my door and start a life with me, he already has one.

"Hey Jealousy," one of my favorite old songs, and I know I'm showing my age, has a line in it that my psyche reminds me of from time to time. "The past is gone, but something might be found to take its place." Who cannot relate to this phrase? The fact is, I'm jealous of those people who can be in a place to let their heart take the wheel. I have been so very lucky to have the people in my life that I do. I am so very lucky to have these children, pissy pants and all, to raise and watch become such interesting aspects of their father and myself. I am so very lucky to know what it was and is like to be loved. Now, I just need to get around my own issues that are holding me back.

I write this not because I want sympathy, frankly that is the last thing that I want. I write this because I want to add to the article that I almost read this morning. Dating a single parent isn't about who might get in the way of it, even if it was chosen. Dating a single parent is understanding that there are a million needs that need to be met before the single parent ever gets around to their own. This single parent just wants to get around the subconscious stuff sometime soon, and be able to share all the crazy, fun, heartfelt moments with someone else. Even if Ryan Gosling isn't knocking on the door, I want to be ready for whoever is brave enough to.

...little people and lucky pennies...

So, we're 21 days into the new year...and I've made some mental resolutions...some I've kept, some I've already slacked a bit on, and some that I've yet to accomplish. But what's life without goals, really? With every passing year, all one can really hope for is health, happiness, and good fortune. Make those doctor appointments and actually go to them. Get off your butt and get moving. Unclutter those hidden junk drawers. Start saving money for "fun projects". For me, sometimes you have to pay some of those resolutions forward in the process.

I resolved this year to make sure that I let people know what they mean to me. I am beyond fortunate to have people in my life that I honestly couldn't do without. The sun just doesn't shine out my butt everyday on this homestead, despite the impression I might give off. I am grateful to have people that keep me smiling, even when I don't want to. Sometimes these people are my offspring. Their capacity to understand me is greater than I would like at times. I am lucky, grateful, proud, and blessed to have them in my life. At times, it's difficult to remember how our lives once were...I guess that means we are rolling in the right direction and not to question it.

Then there are those people who are not genetically linked to me who keep me smiling. Their ability to mentally bail me out...understand me more than I would have ever been comfortable with before. Their love and thoughtfulness is what has kept me rolling in the right direction, even when I felt like taking a detour. My life is better with them in it and well, thank you just doesn't seem like a heavy enough sentiment...so, I'll just say I'm lucky to get to love you.

Then there are those people who possibly have no idea how much I look up to them. Their ability to lift people up, maybe even me at times, is a characteristic that is like a shiny invisible star. They have no idea how much it glimmers, but to those who need it, it's a light at the end of the tunnel. People like this aren't just a blessing to have in your life, they are like air. They are self aware, confident, thoughtful, caring, and brave. These people are like the blind little person on the campus where I went to college. Now, I'm sure it's highly politically incorrect, but seeing that guy, it was like seeing a chimney sweep, always good luck.

There are those people you can just rant to. You might not talk to them everyday, but when you are half past your rant quotient, they are there ready to listen. Hopefully they can add some fuel to that rant, get you laughing, and you forget what you were pissed about in the first place. People like this are like finding a lucky penny, you pick it up without hesitation.

Life does not guarantee you anything, but knowing love and showing it to others...it's what makes the lack of guarantee not terrifying. We are all put on this earth with a purpose. Most of your life is spent trying to find that purpose. In reality it happens without your knowledge...stop looking for your purpose and appreciate the people that give you a purpose...Happy 2015!

...TODAY'S THE DAY I GO OFF...

New adventures. New year. New evaluation of your life...you see it everywhere. Everyone starts the year hearing/seeing that this is the time of year to become what you've always dreamed of. This is the fresh new start that you deserve. It's every where from the television programs you watch to the advertising you subliminally listen to. The fact is...it's difficult task, that's why in June you aren't as inundated with such messages, as most have either given up or moved on to the next task at hand.

The other night I had to write a short biography of myself. It seems pretty self explanatory...what you've done, where you've done it. Honestly, I dreaded it more that seeing the gynecologist. I have no problem telling the exploits of my children, or giving my opinion on something. Writing about myself, I was stumped. I went back to what I learned in high school writing: just the facts. The fact is, my life has been what it has based on the experiences I've had, not on the jobs I've held or the promotions I've been given...

The thought of "...it's a quarter past I don't know what the hell I'm doing" crosses my mind more than three times a week. After mentioning this out loud earlier this week when my friend April was here, she looked at me straight in the eyes. Meanwhile Oscar had walked into the room. And while patting him on the back, as he was reaching over her for some snacks she said, "...but look how well they have turned out". Oscar sort of looked at her, snorted and walked away. Cut to April and I dying laughing...

Last spring I was accused of being a witch, as I taught above mentioned seriously organized friend how to fold a fitted sheet. She was astonished and had never seen it before. I was on cloud nine, thinking I might know something about the world...then realized such accomplishments weren't resume worthy. Fact of the matter is, in my overly verbal brain, I have little to nothing that I could actually put on a resume...unless throwing a cocktail party is now a section on a resume in the new millennium. My skill set is skewed for either an elderly companion or someone likely to join a cult.

While April was visiting, she walked me through a few things I needed to set up online. With every click of the laptop, I felt like some 80 year old, who had never used a computer before. I kept apologizing for acting like such a dolt. To which she said, "...why would you know how to do any of this? It's not in your daily skill set...I do it everyday." She held my hand setting up author pages, twitter accounts (still don't know what the hell I'm doing), and understanding why certain passwords might get me flagged in some bizarre way...I like creative passwords, but my brain is lacking it's vital dose of gingko biloba...

I'm three days into 2014, and I'm tired of people showing me the 'skinny version' of a recipe. I want more things on sale that yogurt. I'm stubborn enough to want to make those 'resolutions' later in the year, when the sight of my backside in a swim suit terrifies me properly. In the meantime I plan to look at some opportunities I have been given. While my job for the last 9 years has been motherhood, and at times it's seriously two minutes from being chaos here daily. Today I actually heard Nora exclaim, "...TODAY'S THE DAY I GO OFF!!". Even though that is my nearly everyday,  I'm grateful everyday that I have done things the way I have. Now, it seems time to change things up a bit, put on another hat, get out of non-yoga-practicing-yoga-pants and look at what else life has to offer. Take in every second of new opportunities, learn from them and about myself. Happy 2014!