My mind is a jumble...I've got a few things kicking around in my head. I was actually looking forward to sitting down and letting out some keyboard aggression...but I lost my window. Thankfully I lost a little aggression too. But it seems during certain times of the year, no matter how happy I may be I'm more trigger happy than I'd like to be, thus the simplest of things drive me up a tree...and for what?
My language skills must be lacking. I have either become a low talker, or my kids have just simply adopted another language. Head reeling, remembering how I used to be able to say something 3 times and be done. Now it's like my voice is on delay, and we've started to average 9. This does nothing to help a trigger happy mother of four not look like a complete lunatic in public. I know people who simply just don't take their kids places for this exact reason. I've never wanted to be this person, and frankly I don't have the luxury. So, I've decided to just start calling my kids by different names to see if that possibly works. As it worked out today, anywhere we went, anyone who was unfortunate to be around us, ended up knowing all of my kids names as I repeated them continuously. Either that or just start taking medication, the likes of which can cover up the fact that I'm about to lose my shit and just make me look like I'm looking at the fish in a pet store.
It seems redundant, but I have to constantly remind myself to relax. A crisis will ensue whether I've packed snacks or not. I think my internal struggle is starting to boil up also because I'm a month away from having a hip replacement. I try to remind myself how much better my day to day existence will be a year from now. The pain just simple mobility can cause currently is a little bit maddening I have to admit. My mind races to the 27 things I have to do before that fateful day under the knife. Mind you, it's nothing that is life threatening, pressing, or even anything I can delegate...it's just life stuff. We have a birthday, doctor appointments, eye appointments, dentist appointments, school supplies, and another birthday. So, not 27, but I gave you the short list as to not SCREAM crazy. I'm not worried about how things get accomplished while I'm recuperating, just eager to line a few things up to make it easier on the sainted people who have agreed to help.
A week from tomorrow my Oscar turns 10. It's really quite hard to believe. So many things run through my head close to events like this. The over planning of making a birthday cake usually is the first. This year I must have been under-caffeinated as I ridiculously mentioned, wouldn't a Baked Alaska be cool? What the hell was I thinking? Pinterest and my mom solved this problem. This is his year for a party. Thankfully he said he only wanted two of his friends to come over. On tap are pizza/wings, cake, video games, a scavenger hunt and movies. It's weird. He's at that strange age where some things are still too old for him, and others are too young. Planning a party for boys who like to sit with a controller in their hands- fairly simple. Less is more, right?
Lately, I find it more interesting how much he reminds me of Jason. To me it has always been in glimpses. He has grown this last year, and was reeling when I offered him a couple of Jason's smallest t-shirts to wear. Worried I was opening a can of worms with the rest of the kids, I knew that it was something special to him...and the fact he needed them literally and figuratively. I see Jason in Oscar's mannerisms, his temperament, and unfortunately his lack of wanting to communicate. I know it will take time, but it's the time that passes us by that I know I can't get back...and that stings. I know he feels like a number in this house, one of the 289 things a day I dread knowing. The unspoken thing still and will always be that he wants more time just he and I. While I wish I could give him all he wants, at least I know it's something I can actually fix. Relentlessly wanting to fix what can't be...reminding myself that I am missing the ability to be superhuman for my kids. Who is really?
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