...our house has changed

For some reason, I stumbled upon this blog that I wrote two years ago...I frantically tried to remember just reading the title what it was about, and then I frantically tried to find it in my book. I looked and looked, and then I remembered. I remembered that there were some blogs that I didn't include...at the time when I was first editing, I couldn't include...it was just too personal. I'm not sure why I found this more personal than other things I had written, but that was where I was at the time.

I regret not including it today after reading it. I feel like it pretty much encapsulates this whole journey we are on, my kids and I. Not a whole lot has changed, other than the notion that what ever happens today, the sun will indeed come out tomorrow. It is still hard to swim through certain memories and laugh at others. So, two years and a couple of days later, I want to share it again. If you've read it before, thank you. If you are reading it for the first time, thank you. Thank you.


June 15th, 2013~ ...our house has changed

Well, hi...I've never done this before, at least written to you...you know me, I talk a lot, and I talk to you- usually in some empty room...at times with my fists/eyes in the air. I'm either asking for a little help, wondering what to do next, or just wishing I could talk to you, just one last time to tie up some lose ends. For me, tomorrow isn't going to be hard because you are not here, it's going to be hard because some memories never go away...

Nine years ago on Father's Day, you weren't exactly a father, yet. I remember the look on your face when you told your friends at a Cardinals game that you were having a 'BOY!!'. They all cheered. I remember the look on YOUR face in the delivery room after every one of our children were born. With each child your face looked different, as you were looking in their eyes, scanning these little people. Clearly, telling each one of them some special message from your heart...and then looking at me as if to say, "WE DID THAT?!". I vividly remember looking at you for many hours, each taking turns quietly sobbing, when we labored a child we never got to bring home. All the while hoping/knowing that it was the hardest thing we were going to have to do, but it would make us stronger...closer.

I remember with every one of our children, there would come a point about 3 weeks in where I would loose my shit (you were the baby person). I couldn't get it right?  I couldn't understand what I was doing wrong? Or WAS THIS THING EVER GOING TO SLEEP?!? To which you would smile, take the 'thing' from me, and tell me to go to bed-as we were handing off you'd say, "...I hate to tell you this, but the same thing has happened with all of these kids, thank God I remember...". And I do...I do not know if I could have made it through with out you...you were the baby whisperer...

Sometimes I wonder if you are talking through Nora...of course she talks (and talks), but sometimes she says things, and I think, where the hell did that come from? Sort of secretly hoping it's you. Today, at the dinner table she said, "...have you noticed how our house has changed?" I tried to get her to elaborate, and she looked at me like, what part of that didn't you get? She also has been asking if I could teach her to be a lady...what do I do all day? Teach her to roll cigars? She misses you, even though she mentions it less and less. She has a laundry list of things I'm supposed to tell you if I see you at night...as if it were that easy...but now, it's sort of her nightly routine.

Atticus? You wouldn't believe it! He's EVERYWHERE all at once, can sprint through the house, and damn it, if he hasn't nearly figured out how to open the gate on the stairs. I'm contemplating just having him wear a helmet all day long to save on concussions. Today's discovery, the kid will ACTUALLY EAT A MEAL if you give him a fork. Really? ...like it's just that easy?

The boys are in Indiana, and today it really sank it that I miss them like crazy. I know they are getting well taken care of, but at times I feel guilty to enjoy the quiet that exists here at night. The WWE will resume in their room soon enough. Abe no longer needs a 'seeing eyed person' as he has decided that reading is pretty beneficial. Since the beginning of summer he's read 16 chapter books. Oscar 'keeps forgetting' about the reading challenge I gave them. But, some how as picked up stand up comedy in the last two weeks. He told me the other day that he was heading to my brother's house to visit, and that he'd get to meet my brother's "Lady Friend"...thankfully, he's helped Abe be less worried about summer camp, and I'm anxious to see if Oscar is taller than me when I see him next...weeds I tell you.

This whole thing- life, our kids, and the day to day isn't hard because I'm doing it alone...it's hard because you're not here to see what I see. I can handle the doing alone, I mean, it's not perfect, but we've made no trips to the ER, yet. It's the things that I see, the stories that I hear, the antics that happen...sometimes those things mean more if someone else can share them with you. It's the knowing that while I have my memories with you, there has been nearly a world of change that has happened  that you've missed...I know you are seeing it, but the sharing it is what we all need.