...screwed-the-pooch

...the audience was intently listening to the escape artist explain in great detail all about his various escapes made. They listened as he told stories of how and where all of his escapes had made him famous. It was not until he started showing the audience his collection of thumb and handcuffs and various neck shackles that I hear a familiar sound. It was when he brought out his neck shackles, I hear Abe in the front row say more than rather loudly, "...MY MOM NEEDS SOME OF THOSE..."

It's hard to break old habits. We are two weeks out from school starting. This year I am sending three eager kids off to school. They are ready. They are willing. And I imagine that will end about the cusp of September. The summer flew by us, and now I am mentally gearing up to start the routine of structure, homework, and with any luck earlier bed times. The habits we have acquired over the summer might be hard to break...harder still to have to admit that some of the habits you have aren't going to help you in the long run.

I say I'm only sending three kids to school, because I have a fourth child who has no desire to leap over the threshold of growing up. He has no desire to ever get out of diapers. He has no desire to even try. I am at the end of my quickly fraying mental rope trying to understand how to get through to him. Yes, it is the old habit of taking the easier route. These old habits of over looking the reality of what is before us, because "...we'll deal with that later..." Well, later starts September 1st, and at this point I'd say we screwed-the-pooch on that summer goal.

I'm excited about the school year starting, even more excited to watch Nora start school this year. She is more than ready and it will be fun to watch it through a new/female set of eyes. Hopefully she will be more descriptive of her day than her brothers were- got there, learned something, ate a snack, played outside, came home...However, with all of this new excitement, I'm finding it hard to juggle the things I might have praised myself for a year ago. It depresses me. I isolate myself at times because I don't want my dysfunction to hurt or spill onto other people and in the process I end up hurting them more. I just find myself not knowing if I'm overwhelmed or facing a bad habit in the face...the habit of avoidance.

I probably never consciously knew it at the time (maybe I did), but I used avoidance after Jason passed away like I might actually be getting paid to do so. For me it was easier to avoid having to deal with something I might be feeling, because I could always use the excuse that I didn't have time. I have four kids to try to navigate through an uncertain world. And I have been blessed with the very best people in my life, that knew they couldn't do the feeling for me, but were there for me. Again, it was my habit to avoid it, almost cocky enough to think that I wouldn't have to go back and pick up those feelings again...like I was some how superior.

Now I find myself, sort of stunted...like I'm tumbling backward at times, all because I didn't just face my habit. And now I find myself in a place where there is no choice but to. So, little did my volume-lacking son knew, I have a pair of neck shackles, in fact we all do...but they are invisible. They are the habits, the feelings, the fears, the avoidance that at times weigh us down, even when no one else can see them. I thankfully don't need a jet black toupee like the escape artist we saw today...But dealing with all of the above is how we will all inevitably escape...

...those fellas are trouble...

...why the hell did I schedule this appointment so damned early? It was a reflex I guess. Still, even before 8 am, I find it oddly soothing in the orthodontist's office. It's a time I can catch up on social media, reading and sort of tuning out...all the while the kids are entertained by the kiddie table. I can't be certain, but I think the receptionist has grown to love us. The volume changes when we walk in the door. Today I made sure to reinforce the notion, "...do you see how picked up this area is? When we leave it should look the same way..." But in all honesty, I didn't really care. It's just the sort of public-service-announcement that has to be said when you walk into a quiet office with what would appear to be four contestants on Lets Make A Deal...

While my best friend was visiting last week, we discussed... a lot. We have these chat sessions all the time, but when we are together, they seem to be more intense. We talked about where our lives were going. What we felt we wanted to do next. How our lives had changed. She reminded me that not two years ago, we sat, at times crying, but still discussing the same things...boldly (perhaps naively) thinking that we'd have it all figured out by now. But, the harsh reminders are, when you think you have one thing figured out, everything else grows and changes around it. Some of the things you worry about, while they are no longer on the surface anymore, they sort of morph into something different. I told her that I wished I could talk to Jason sometimes. I found it interesting that she asked me why? So, I told her that I wanted to talk to him sometimes to ask him if I was doing things right or what I should do next. Her answer will never leave my memory...She simply said, "...what could he tell you that you don't already know yourself? Why would he have all the answers? I think you might be giving him too much credit..."

I had to hold back a chortle today when someone asked pointing at the kids, "Are they all yours?" Now, in all honesty, in the summer, these kids look very different from each other. We have a wide variety of skin tones represented. I told someone the other day that my kids resemble a UNICEF advertisement. Nora answered first, "those fellas are trouble (pointing to her brothers, strangely sitting very quiet next to each other)"  I turned around and said, " Those kids? Yes, every minute of every day...unless they were touching the mannequins, in which case I've never seen them before in my life..." As a mom, I constantly question where they are emotionally. I worry I am not maybe giving them the support they need when they freak out and do something completely asinine...I question what I  need to do. I guess if I didn't I wouldn't be doing my job...

But, I'm beginning to realize that their antics might not have anything to do with the reality they've been given. It might just be that they are kids. Is it wrong that I find that oddly reassuring? I got a little sass talk the other day from one of the Talls, and it dawned on me, PRAISE JESUS, THEY'RE JUST BEING ANNOYING KIDS and nothing more. I actually started laughing. It was exciting to me that my "precious-gifts", this time being represented as an annoying 11year old, was not having an actual emotional crisis...he was just being a kid. And I'm beginning to realize that there no oracles on parenting. There are no books that can really help, because no one has all of the answers. For once, in a very long time, while knowing who my kids are, being clueless as to what they are going to try to pull next is just the kind of simpleminded cocktail that I will take...on a side note, laughing at a dramatic tween is actually kind of fun.