...screwed-the-pooch

...the audience was intently listening to the escape artist explain in great detail all about his various escapes made. They listened as he told stories of how and where all of his escapes had made him famous. It was not until he started showing the audience his collection of thumb and handcuffs and various neck shackles that I hear a familiar sound. It was when he brought out his neck shackles, I hear Abe in the front row say more than rather loudly, "...MY MOM NEEDS SOME OF THOSE..."

It's hard to break old habits. We are two weeks out from school starting. This year I am sending three eager kids off to school. They are ready. They are willing. And I imagine that will end about the cusp of September. The summer flew by us, and now I am mentally gearing up to start the routine of structure, homework, and with any luck earlier bed times. The habits we have acquired over the summer might be hard to break...harder still to have to admit that some of the habits you have aren't going to help you in the long run.

I say I'm only sending three kids to school, because I have a fourth child who has no desire to leap over the threshold of growing up. He has no desire to ever get out of diapers. He has no desire to even try. I am at the end of my quickly fraying mental rope trying to understand how to get through to him. Yes, it is the old habit of taking the easier route. These old habits of over looking the reality of what is before us, because "...we'll deal with that later..." Well, later starts September 1st, and at this point I'd say we screwed-the-pooch on that summer goal.

I'm excited about the school year starting, even more excited to watch Nora start school this year. She is more than ready and it will be fun to watch it through a new/female set of eyes. Hopefully she will be more descriptive of her day than her brothers were- got there, learned something, ate a snack, played outside, came home...However, with all of this new excitement, I'm finding it hard to juggle the things I might have praised myself for a year ago. It depresses me. I isolate myself at times because I don't want my dysfunction to hurt or spill onto other people and in the process I end up hurting them more. I just find myself not knowing if I'm overwhelmed or facing a bad habit in the face...the habit of avoidance.

I probably never consciously knew it at the time (maybe I did), but I used avoidance after Jason passed away like I might actually be getting paid to do so. For me it was easier to avoid having to deal with something I might be feeling, because I could always use the excuse that I didn't have time. I have four kids to try to navigate through an uncertain world. And I have been blessed with the very best people in my life, that knew they couldn't do the feeling for me, but were there for me. Again, it was my habit to avoid it, almost cocky enough to think that I wouldn't have to go back and pick up those feelings again...like I was some how superior.

Now I find myself, sort of stunted...like I'm tumbling backward at times, all because I didn't just face my habit. And now I find myself in a place where there is no choice but to. So, little did my volume-lacking son knew, I have a pair of neck shackles, in fact we all do...but they are invisible. They are the habits, the feelings, the fears, the avoidance that at times weigh us down, even when no one else can see them. I thankfully don't need a jet black toupee like the escape artist we saw today...But dealing with all of the above is how we will all inevitably escape...