...as a single mother, you question your actions, word choices, and time available. You question the quality vs. the quantity of everything, the meals you feed, the laundry you fold, the ability to multitask. It all comes to a rearing head when you add another thing to do in an already chaotic house of misfits...
Upon asking Nora to feed our new found four legged friend, she looks in the cupboard for the bowl and the food and utters, "...Well, who the hell put that up there?" I'm standing next to her as she's saying this. For a brief minute I don't know whether to be horrified or impressed by her use of the word. She said it with meaning. She used the correct meaning. It sounds like something I would say, and now appears I shouldn't say...and it's not even 7:15 a.m.
We have learned a large lesson in the last two weeks. While the addition of a dog to our family was not a whim, as I have been considering it since last Christmas, it has come with it's ample amount of obstacles. I have had a dog before...but never a dog AND four kids. I was hoping to instill some life lessons on my children by giving them a chance to take on some added responsibility. I originally figured, if we've lived this long and have done pretty well for ourselves, why not add another to the mix? Turns out, I probably should have really thought that through a bit further...as apparently, no one likes to walk the dog at night in their pajamas...no one likes to pick up random "gifts" left for us around the house...no one wants to put in the effort after a long day at school?...what? Really?
It came down to a discussion of who is doing more and whether they even want to do it. Ironically, the smallest Small is the one doing all the work along with me. At one point, in this very egalitarian conversation, Atticus states he misses the old days with no dog. He then stands up, walks across the room and sits next to me...as if to give a gesture of SOLIDARITY...it's a moment I won't forget. Time will tell if this new addition will be temporary of permanent...I haven't listed her as living her with the post office just yet.
The trials and tribulations of any family are something you are to learn from. The constant questioning on my end, self job evaluation, will be on going because if I stopped that's when I should probably be worried. With the holidays starting up, I'm noticing little things through my kids eyes. It reminds me that all of the pointless things that I do for them, that seem to go unnoticed, really are remembered. And for a moment, you can hear them recanting a story you once told about something in their hand...it's a nice invisible hug.
While going through some Christmas boxes I came upon these forgotten cards. One Thanksgiving after we had moved here I wrote up these cards for each of the kids. On each card I wrote the reasons I was thankful for them. I started reading them, and almost started crying. For all the days that I feel like I'm drowning, barely making it work, no longer care the profanity that comes either out of my mouth or my kids...On this day, when I sat down to write out the simple things about my kids that I love...I got it right.
Being reminded that you are surviving, thriving, at times swearing, is something that I don't think you ever stop needing. That reassurance that something so simple can build you up when you probably need it the most. The house hasn't burned down...I probably need to shower...this damned dog might kill my will at times...But I am forever grateful, knowing that my blessings are counted by 4s.
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