Detachment from reality, party of 5?...your table is now ready...

I watched as a little boy was walked from preschool to daycare...my heart ached and my eyes welled with tears...was I ready for this? Was I ready to let go? Was I ready to contemplate Atti taking that same walk? I'm programmed differently. My self-worth is not a job outside...my self-worth is indoors, in a laundry room or answering questions from a seated position on the toilet...while I was only going in for an interview, was I ready for what might come of it?

 Let me first just say, I am lucky. Since my first child was born Jason and I always agreed that someone should stay home with our kids. Was it always easy? No. Did it mean we went without some things? Yes. Was it at times maddening? Yes. But, it was something we always said was important to us. After Jason passed away, none of that changed. It's been difficult to budget things, but really nothing has changed, and for me, it was one less thing to worry about. It was one less thing in our lives full of immediate change that didn't really have to. It was possibly delaying the inevitable, but it was what I knew. I am grateful to get to stay at home with my kids. I get to do things with them any time of the day, and while at times it is exhausting I am so blessed to be able to do so. It is where I find my pride, solace, it is my business card...my kids.

 Cut to me, going in for my first job interview in 14 years...I'm older, yielding an antique skill set, and completely out of my wheel house knowing how to sell myself. While it is a job that would be exciting and fulfilling, basically a job I have been secretly wanting for years...my self-worth has never come from a paycheck or a title.  I felt like I was impersonating myself at times. I felt so conflicted that I prayed it didn't show on my face. On one hand I know that I will have to be joining the work force outside of my pretty brick house. But it's a slightly terrifying notion to think of all that will be changing when and if that does happen. As I left the morning of interviews I wondered, would I be able to pull any of this off? "Detachment from reality, party of 5?" your table is now ready...

My mind raced to the countless hours in the past as a stay at home mom that I half longed for adult interaction. It was quickly thwarted by the notion of Atti spending his out of school hours with someone else. Was it guilt or OCD that had me teetering? In the hours before the interview I felt like I was going to puke...nerves, fear, and anxiety set in. In messaging my best friend April I found the phrase that would push me through the rest of the morning, I literally chanted it in my head. It was simply this, "...I know this is scary, but you have made it through far worse..." She was completely correct. If this was meant to be it will be. If it isn't, I'm still going to never get to pee alone.

 I was asked during the interview about my worst trait. While I mentally cataloged the multitude that I have, my mind briefly brushed over the notion of change. And I realized in that moment, the horizon has changed. The view from my window while still the same, everyone is now tall enough to see out of it. I cannot confine or hide behind being just a stay at home mom any longer. I'm not betting on getting the job I interviewed for, I did make sure to thank my interviewers for the opportunity to be interviewed. While I might not be in the workforce saddle yet...it might be time to saddle up to some change...