...plate spinners...

There has been a whirlwind around my head for the last couple of weeks...at times even the "silver" in the silver lining gets a little grimy. It's times like these when my grief usually hits the hardest. It's times like these where I lose sight of how far we've come. It's times like these knowing that there is no Band-Aid to fix what has me down. It's times like these that knowing the only way to get over it is to go through it. Well, it makes climbing Everest look like a cinch.

There will never be a time when I am NOT OUTNUMBERED...the sooner I can just get that through my damned head, the easier my life will be. At times I worry though that some fraction of these kids will just unionize and I will be screwed. I worry that I'm going soft. The hardest battles won are the ones you know there is no definitive winner. These lessons in life will make us stronger, right? These times will help us appreciate what we have, where we've been, what might lie ahead...that's when I'm mentally looking for my white flag, turning tail and running.

We are odd. We are an odd number. We have an odd life. We handle life's problems in our own way, but they are usually bookended by popcorn and a soda, or a cocktail for me...we're not like everyone else. I've heard a lot in the last few weeks the phrase, "...well, so-in-so's mom doesn't do that?" Mentally, I break down hearing that a little. Mentally I want to verbally charge with something like, "...yeah, well so-in-so has a dad too..." I know it's futile. I know it won't really change the argument equation that has been given to me. I guess I should take that sort of statement as an encouraging sign, they don't even see our differences amongst their friends, and maybe that's my cue to stop doing it too.

So, this November 7th, we got out of town. I mentally needed it. The kids needed out of our normal scenery, and just do something...and if it was fun, well that would work too. As I said, the weeks up to this year's anniversary were harder than last year. I struggle with feeling outnumbered, worn out, and never quite feeling like I'd done anything right. I know I'm too critical of myself, but when you fold a couple of your critic's underwear, you can easily get sucked in. I know it won't always be this way. I know how far I've come and how much further I have to go. But it's overwhelming to think at times, did I really want to do this? And then I remember, I didn't have a choice. Get over it...

I think I understand more this year than I did last. I think I feel like life has changed and it will keep changing, sometimes I'll like what I see and sometimes it will terrify me. I know that my day to day is a balancing act, like that guy at the circus spinning the plates...but I have help. I know I'm where I am by people loving me enough to keep me going. Those here with me who can call me on my shit. Those who continually remind me that I'm allowed to be mad. Lastly, those who remind me that we've made it this far and we're all still alive. These people are who have helped me, these people are the ones who have loved me when I've been crazy. These people, I wouldn't be able to live without.

It came to me the other night, and I wished I had grabbed a pen. It was as if I had this epiphany about where I am in this world and where I want to go. Of course in the light of day, it doesn't sound so profound, must have been the cold medicine. Despite how some might view what life has given me, and at times I have to even remind myself, I'm so very lucky. I was given a chance to be part of another person's life, create four lives, and I still get to keep living. I still get a chance to live a full life, watching these beings Jason and I created. Despite the fact that he's not here, and at times it saddens me that he isn't seeing all that I am seeing...he will never be replaced. He lives on through our kids. The rest of my life here on earth will just be enhanced with hopefully more blessings, love, and friendships.

These enhancements are my polish for when my silver lining needs it. While two years has seemed like ten, looking back I know how far we've come. I know we've got a long way to go. But I also know we've been blessed by people coming into our lives...Those plate spinners...for whom I am grateful.

...a good cry, stiff drink, or both

It's finally Fall...finally, that time of year when the air gets crisp, night comes earlier, your skin gets thinner and you are surrounded by color that changes daily. For me, this month is sort of bitter sweet. While I've had so many wonderful things that have happened to me, there have been some things that have changed me forever. It's ironic, the beauty of Fall. What I long to see all year long, is really the dying off of something so that come spring, it can bloom once again.

To me October always means anniversaries, baking, decorating, warm cardigans, and your favorite jeans. The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown, and the never ending quest to find the perfect/cheap Halloween costume...knowing that making it yourself means really spending as much as you would just buying the damned thing. Getting back out your cozy socks, sweat pants, and looking forward to snuggling under blankets while watching movies...even if it's because you refuse to turn the heat on until November. It's simple minded. It's easy. It's heartwarming, this love affair with October...but at times it comes with a price.

The miracle of life is one that is most definitely taken for granted. I used to be one of these people. The first time we became pregnant I was ready to shout it to anyone I knew, and I was something like 4 weeks pregnant. When you have to be shown how quickly that miracle can be taken away from you, it hardens your heart. When you have to deliver a baby you will never take home, somewhere deep inside, it changes you. Suddenly, all of these other women, of whom you never knew their sorrow, come out of the woodwork. They too had lost a baby. And now, you are in this strange and sad sorority of women who know too well the miracle of life...how it should never be taken for granted. So, I'll either have a good cry, make a stiff drink, or perhaps both (hell knows I've earned it) later this month. From that sorrow, I learned something more profound, your strength not only comes from you, but also the ones you love around you. Little did I know then this would merely be a 'try-on' for my latter life.

I knew before I was even asked. I knew I wanted to get married in October. I had a mental date set up in my head for years. If Jason ever asked me to marry him, I knew I wanted to get married on the same date that we met. If that date would have fallen on a Wednesday, I still would have done it. To most, meeting someone on Friday the 13th would have been a bad omen, but it was a day that intensely changed my life for ever. Our wedding wasn't fancy, but it had meaning. Years later, people would comment to me how much they loved our wedding, the ceremony and the reception. It was a culmination of two families and amazing friends coming together to celebrate. What could be better than that? I'm a week out from this anniversary, and I'm not really sure how I feel. One would understand being sad on that day now...and at times when I think about it, it does make me sad. But, then I think of all that came from it. I think about all of the things I've been given since then.

A wise person told me recently,"... you didn't choose for your entire life to change...you didn't choose for your husband to leave...it happened and now you have to deal with it the best you can." They're right. It's anniversaries like the one I'm approaching that are sort of a mind scramble. It's like I want to mentally prepare myself for that day...yeah, I know the OCD in that statement is easily spread with knife. I'm not obtuse enough to think that I have any control over it. It has been sort of creeping up on me like a cheap pair of underwear...this sort of pit in my stomach. From an extraordinary life, there will always have been pit falls, hard times. On this October 13th (unlucky to some), I'm going to try to focus on the extraordinary gifts I've been given. The extraordinary laughs I have had, and the extraordinary place I have ended up with this person who is no longer here to celebrate with me. October, you are one tough broad. But, you haven't taken this one out yet...