thank you Smelma...

Honestly, I don't know what is going on with me, but I am off. I'm not sure if it is because I've been sick on and off since Labor Day...maybe the cocktail of steroids and antibiotics are rotting out my ability to be normal? Maybe it is the fact that it is dark outside by 6 p.m.? Maybe I've just finally hit that point, you know where on-lookers are saying, "Yup, I called it, she's lost her shit...now give me the 20 bucks you owe me." Whatever the case, something has been looming for too long...and I want to be rid of it.

This time of year, well completely sucks. No matter how you slice it, it is a stale piece of cake no one really wants. Usually I give myself a couple of days and I'm done. But much like the steroid cocktail that I have been on and off, the boost of energy is fantastic-but when the bottom falls out you wish you were hit by a truck. So, tomorrow is another day, and as I am finding out, one of my favorite days to write about in the past- Parent Teacher Conferences.

Luckily this year I only have one, Nora. I am mentally preparing myself for the wild and exhilarating things I will no doubt hear about my only daughter during her off hours of being with me. She has grown so much just since school has started this year. She has discovered the "wonders" of making a sack lunch. While at first she was usually telling me she needed one whilst walking out the door in the morning, now she comes home from school and immediately starts making her lunch for the next day...I like that kind of growth. I am interested to hear what her teacher has to say, but of course mentally preparing myself as well.

My hope is that I can fill my kids with enough creative ideas and a little bit of creative expression that they can use it to help themselves when needed. It used to be when I was down, I would put everyone to bed, come into my room, write and everything would be back to normal. Sometimes, it just isn't that easy anymore. Sometimes I feel like I am complaining about the same thing over and over again. Sometimes I worry that this is the wall, like THE WALL that I have finally hit and maybe there is no way around it. It is scary. No one wants to move backward, not when they can see how far they have come. No one wants to admit that the things that used to come easily to them are now a struggle. No one really understands you, better than you...but what happens when you are the last person you understand? What then?

A woman who works where I work stopped me today and asked me if she could buy my book. I looked at her probably crazy-eyed and said, "What? ...I'll give it to you." I think I was half astonished that she even knew I wrote a book, and for a moment I kind of had forgotten I had too. It seems like a million years ago, when in reality it was like a minute. I thanked her profusely, and thought to myself, "Kate, get your shit together. You have a job to do, and you will get out of this funk." She was the first person I spoke to on my first day of work and probably will never know how grateful I am to her for sort of nudging my psyche.

It wasn't until tonight, the whole creative expression thing sort of hit me where it needed to. I was talking to Atticus before saying good-night to him. He told me that he had an imaginary friend. I asked what his name was, to which he said, "Her name, is Smelma Stinkyfeet." I said, really, is she Slavic with a name like that? He said, "No, she's from Knox, Ind. Smelma's not good with money, so to make ends meet, she has taken in a couple of horses to live with her. Her house isn't very big, but the horses help pay the bills." I dawned on me, funks come and go, but if you are lucky, creativity can stay with you forever...thank you Smelma.

...turning tricks...

...it happens...occasionally, it does happen. That moment that most every parent catches themselves in. That moment where, you notice the calm. It's too quiet. That moment when you catch yourself, look around and wonder if your family finally drove off. And then you see them, calmly laying down to watch a movie. A plan completely formulated by them, not done under protest or mandate. For an instant, you feel like the universe is aligned. You feel for just an instant how wonderful to finally get what you needed for that day. In the next instant, you are making a MAD DASH to get anything done, the stuff of your wildest dreams, because you know it's probably only going to last about 19 minutes.

Every Sunday since the new year, we have had "Your Favorite Sunday Dinner". Each week one of the kids pick their favorite meal, and we come together and make it. Some have been extravagant, some have been simple...some have even just been lunch. All have been eaten at our dining room table, with real glasses, napkins, music playing in the background and together. It has been one of my favorite resolutions...and it costs nothing. It's something I look forward to every week, the kids feel like they are getting their favorite foods more regularly (besides the kid food I always make), and everyone is happy.

I'm not sure if my Atticus has been secretly training with the Navy...but every day for almost a week, at 3:30, the kid is up and ready to go. He greets my half open eyelids with the phrase, "...good morning mommy, I'm ready to get up..." To which I tell him that no one who isn't working the third shift is currently awake, please lay down and try to go back to sleep. It's too bad he isn't able to read, he could probably get a part-time job in those early morning hours from his crib. I'm not sure why he's turning tricks so early in the morning. I'm aware that he still naps, and gladly so for his sanity and my own. But, I think we are about to turn the corner on that. I'm hoping for an early spring, and contemplating showing him how to mow the lawn.

The plague has reared it's head very nearly here a couple of times...but, it's latest and most dramatic victim is Nora. She greeted me just after Atticus this morning. As if she were tying out for a role on a soap opera, she looks at me and says, "...when will this ever leave? I want my old life back..." She's been sick for 2 days. Hoping that rest and a visit to who she calls "Dr. Dreamy" will be in order tomorrow. Until then, I just hear dramatic music playing in my head when ever she speaks.

Oscar has taken to listening to ACDC every waking moment. His air guitar and not so quiet drumming teeters between hilarious and obnoxious. I just found him under a robe, ear buds in, singing "Thunderstruck". He approached me with a paper he had recently written for school. A couple of weeks ago I was completely freaked out when he was telling my what he was writing about. I confide probably too much in the Talls, but at times they are my sounding board. I probably should censor some topics that I talk to them about, but I think for me its because there isn't another adult in this house. While reading the paper, I was struck with how interestingly his mind works. He didn't give details to what we had spoken about, but primarily he was writing about how he looked forward to these conversations...hearing the dirt and the funny stories. I told him I would help him start a blog. My only stipulation was that I needed to proof read it before he posted it. He has an interesting take on life, I hope he continues it and uses writing as a creative outlet.

Abe, well today, he has been the ultimate entertainer. It seems as if he cannot be out of Atticus' sight for more than 3 minutes. He has organized a movie marathon in the living room, with blankets, pillows, and used my own personal favorite weapon...the lure of popcorn. I'm not sure how long it will last, but I am using these 19 minutes like they might be my last on earth. Hung some things up, picked up the house, and cleaned the kitchen. He is like a pied piper at times, and I am grateful for it...however, I know about 4 pm, he'll be tired of everyone in this house. Like James Brown, being assisted shuffling off the stage...being the ultimate entertainer takes a lot out of you!

My 19 minutes are up...THUNDERDOME sounds like it is getting started...for a brief and wonderful moment the universe aligned, I got something done, and no one drove away...at least yet.