...coincidence met fate

In a million years, I never figured this is where life would take me.

While this notion is pretty much true for every reader, the concept of actually realizing it could either be gleaned in a joyous or sorrowful way. I talk about life a lot...life with kids, life as a single parent, life not being always kind and finding the silver linings in life. Sometimes, the words just spill right out of my brain and onto my laptop, the good, bad and ugly. Sometimes, and this is when I know things become really personal, it is more difficult to get it out into words. That is when I know I'm really feeling something.

You meet people every day of your life. Be it someone who comes into your work, someone in a waiting room, someone at the checkout line at the grocery store. While your interaction may not be that of a Hallmark movie, for a brief moment in time, you share a common space with a stranger. Sometimes there are words or sometimes there are just glances. I have a special aura that strangers must see, sometimes I walk away and wonder, "Why did I need to know that you are moving to Colorado? Why do I feel bad that you cannot eat dairy? Why am I constantly being talked to by Jehovah's Witnesses, am I wearing a sign?" But I digress, sometimes without even knowing it you meet someone for a distinct purpose, it isn't coincidence, it is fate nudging you and you don't even know it.

All of us have those special people in their lives...the ones who understand your jokes, can make you see the best in yourself and have seen you at your worst and love you despite the afore mentioned. These people you meet, who for whatever reason that meeting, that chance encounter, is etched on your brain forever. Their possible fleeting presence in your life happened. Maybe they were inspirational?  Maybe they were thought provoking? Maybe they were annoying? Maybe just seeing them made you lose your breath for a minute and left an overly verbal person speechless? You can go back, years later and remember that moment, place or day when coincidence met fate and changed your life forever. The most important lesson from these people is recognizing you have them, cherishing them and never letting them go...and I'm lucky enough to get to do that.

My day to day has changed since I began writing, and it has completely changed since I started writing this blog. I used it as therapy, comic relief and a chance to document all of the crazy things that not only go on in my head, but even the crazier things that go on in this "THUNDERDOME HOUSE." Sometimes writing it down took it off my heart/head and helped me move on to the next quarter-life-crisis of parenting. The melt-downs over bathing. The debates on independence when someone can't even be mindful of brushing their teeth (I'm not sure when the last time a few of mine have actually brushed). The push and pull of adolescence and playing good cop/bad cop. The notion that while I might not die alone, as I know at least one of my kids will never move out-they've got it too good, the real fear of never finding an adult to complete, compliment, inspire, love and feel appreciated again. At least one of these is the underlying fear in all of us in some way, shape or form. I am lucky, as I mentioned, because I have found some of these things in friends some of which I know fate was the only way we would have ever met, so thank you. I only hope I can emulate what to you what you do for me.

But, unknowingly, something important happened three years ago. I met this person, and all of the things you hope to feel, I felt. All of the chance encounters as they were, made me feel giddy, grin and wanting to know more about this person...but it was just chance, right? Turns out, three years later, I found out that person felt the exact same things about me. Never knowing when we would bump into each other, a friendship was there but nothing really else until one night when we got to talking. All of the sudden, I realized this concatenation, these chance meetings were "our" moment when fate met coincidence.

As time progressed, we discovered that we were more alike than anyone else we knew. We liked the same things, felt the same way about topics, and didn't want to kill each other over discussions of religion, politics, traveling, music, cooking and parenting. This person, while I've known him for years, I didn't know how much we had to share with each other. I suddenly felt like, "In a million years, I would never have thought that life would take me here...and I'm so grateful that it did." Three weeks ago today, this man who still makes me giddy, grin and most importantly love, proposed at our favorite restaurant and in our favorite seat. His eyes twinkled, and while they do quite regularly, I will never forget how they did that night. I couldn't wait to say yes to him, and yes to what most definitely is the grandest example of what happens when coincidence met fate... thank you HJR, 107 days and I cannot wait!

...bb-guns and spitting contests...

Happiness. Pure, unadulterated, unending, unbelievable happiness...and no, I'm not making this up. It is the feeling, I was always told, when someone was once again content, adjusted, excited and thrilled about not only about their life but their future. I never thought this day would actually come, I never thought I would find something so elusive, but here I am and I cannot hide the smile from my face at any moment of the day.

Nora's happiness? Spending the month of June with my parents. The laundry list of things she was going to get to do was something akin to a bucket list, and I can't say that I blame her. The fun loving, free spirited, spitfire who bares my likeness is spreading her joy two states away. At first, it was sort of nice having only three in toe. At first it was sort of nice that the "collective we" left behind here in Missouri could sit in a small booth or ride in a regular car...that's just the game of numbers. But, here I sit, the only girl in my house, and I long for another "sista" to talk to or even to appreciate the fact that she doesn't pee all over the toilet seat. Here I am, longing for the one kid that, while easily entertained, does require a laundry list of "projects" to do for the coming day by 8 a.m. I miss her, despite keeping busy and grateful that she gets a chance to spend time with her grandparents, I worry.

I worry that she'll come home and feel let down. I worry the one on one attention that she is getting, while very well deserved, won't be matched when she comes home. She is quick to tell it like it is, I've raised her right, but I fear that when she gets home. I fear I won't be enough after her month long extravaganza. While I was excited that she was getting the chance to do something special, I never thought about what would happen when she came back---frankly, I thought she would get homesick, never figuring it would be me. But, in this crazy house of BOYS, Nora has earned the right to be made to feel special, and who can do that better than grandparents? Less than 7 days to go, and there will be so much happiness to see her, it might be sickening.

Happiness for the three boys left behind? NO GIRLS...clearly I am genderless to my male offspring. However, boys, just boys, are really pretty easy to deal with. Lower expectations, lower maintenance, lower threshold for fart jokes...feed them, turn on a PS4, take them to a pool, and that is all they need. I have asked them several times if they miss Nora, last night's explanation was priceless- Oscar: "Well, you know, we deal with her on a daily basis, so we don't really miss that." Okay? He sounds like someone who works in a dog pound. Nora's partner in crime, Atticus, misses her at certain times of day. They have their own system of things they do, most of which make little to no sense to me, but hey, it works for them. After having just boys in this house, it is abundantly clear to me why Nora is not what you would call a "girlie-girl", why would she be? She'd rather shoot a bb-gun or have a spitting contest. I imagine, for her, it is her survival and hopefully comfort mode in this house. Who knows? After a month out of this fraternity house, she might be a new woman. But I am excited to have my solidarity sister back again soon.

The happiness that where I currently reside? I think it is a mixture of a dozen things. I think it is growth. I think it is time. I think it is the long desired ability for my mind, heart and soul to open up again. I think it is seeing how where I have been has guided me, at times not so swiftly, to where I am. I think it is not over thinking every detail, but opening myself up to a million details, some of which I never thought I would get to have. Looking back, I can't put into words how much I missed it. Sure, I've written about it in 135 blogs, shared my good, my bad and my very ugly at times. But the happiness where I currently reside, makes me smile for more than 3 seconds...because I know I'm better for it, I deserve it and I'll be a better woman/mother/sister/friend because of it. Summer has officially started, the directive I give to you? Find your happiness, you're worth it.