...listlessness and indifference...

Not sure who to point the finger at...Mother Nature? The Ground Hog? Well, at least those two I know which finger I'd be pointing. This one isn't for the faint of heart. It seems the irony that I am usually able to point at and make fun of has sort of taken a back seat to life lately. Not sure if it's the winter blahs or the winter of my discontent or just life catching up with me.

I talk about my house a lot. We have a love affair he(?) and I do. The vastness, the beauty, the uncommon features, they are not lost on me. I still wander around it, in the quiet early morning hours and look from corner to corner knowing how blessed I am to be living here. I sip my coffee and whisper gently to him to try not to fall apart all at once, my heart couldn't take it...as I know forever to mean something different now. I know it's ridiculous to believe I should be here at all, let alone forever, and I try to take a minute each day to be in love and terrified of this house all at the same time...it's a labor of love.

Being a parent isn't all there is to me, but it's my 18+ hour a day job and at times I feel like I'm not easily tapped out. Even recently when I was out of daily environment,  I'm still cleaning up tables, picking up coats, tiding things...and I thought to myself, "What the hell are you doing? Stop!..." but I couldn't. I needed to be doing something. A kin to holding a 'blankie',  it stunted the opportunity I could have had to sit, laugh, and enjoy the company around me.  Maybe that's my tell? Maybe I'm to the point where keeping busy is easier than having to engage? Sometimes the lack of irony life holds does not escape me. While the scenario may be unfortunate, there is no reversal of experiences...and it appears my view from this picture window has changed...time to rearrange the furniture.

I never just hid. In all these months since our life has changed, I've never just hid. I've been blessed with family and friends and those who love me wanting to ease my burden no, my day to day. Taking the kids while I run errands, having them spend extended time with them, even coming to my house and telling me to leave for the night. All things I am beyond grateful for, especially when they take into the equation that I am horrible at asking for help. I wish I would have taken those same people up on the option to hide earlier. I feel now, that I'm not sure I could actually do it (yes, my name is Kate, and I'm a control freak), and I'm not sure what good it would do...I would only end up feeling guilty for not having been productive, and dread going home because while I love every molecule of my children, sometimes reality isn't as much fun.

It seems that I'm in a big time-warped-rut of listlessness and indifference. So, while Mother Nature told her dirty secrets to the Ground Hog, and evidently the Farmer's Almanac, as it has predicted every flake of icy snow we have been given...I will listen to the principle of the school tell me in his prerecorded message that yes, indeed school will be canceled tomorrow. Six more weeks until Spring...and praying my mood will be improved before then...