Lone Wolf...

Fear and loathing...that's about where we are. With the new year of school literally creeping up my rear, all the old fears set in. The anxiety of going back into a schedule, homework, laundry and hoping to not forget to wear my clothes on the outside of my underwear. Single motherhood isn't always a walk in the park, add the first few days of school into that equation and cut to me mentally drinking at 7 a.m.

Don't get me wrong, with the bickering level in this house, I'm pretty sure even the Pope would drop an F-bomb. Saying I'm ready for school to start is an UNDERSTATEMENT. But, getting out of that laid back, sleep until 9 a.m., lounge in pajamas and do nothing but worry about what posts have been missed on Instagram phase? A hard rain will fall for Oscar in 72 hours. I have already lowered the boom on Nora that the "summer-time-wardrobe" will not be part of the school-time dress code, to which I rendered her speechless for about 45 minutes. I'm worried that Abe's stand-up routine, while wildly anticipated by some, will not be for his new teacher. Atti, well he just needs to be with some other kids his own age. Tonight he said to me while dancing in the living room, "I dance alone. I'm a lone wolf." We've entered and new and exciting level of strange around here. I am hoping that the time spent AWAY from each other will some how make "the heart grow fonder," but I'm not holding my breath. I am however lousy with power at the notion that with everyone out of the house, my grocery bill will lower and my house will stay cleaner.

The unspoken fear around here is that of the unknown. Lockers. I never remember a locker striking as much fear in my heart as a kid, but around here, it is all a few people can talk about. Switching classes, gym class and showering, and don't even get me started on a conversation about a need for a study hall. I actually started laughing when Oscar said he was taking one. He kind of looked at me like I was crazy. What I didn't have any hesitation in admitting is that the one time I took study hall, I did very little studying, ever. I remember being in 5th and 7th grade, but I guess that was "way back when" according to my kids, clearly age has rendered me witless to the time of my adolescence. But I have had to hear, "...well, back in the 80's, things were different than they are now." I always answer back with, "I know, it was tough. I had less electronics and more imagination." They just look at me. Karma is one tough broad, tougher is explaining that being a kid when you actually are a kid is the only chance you get...

Most of my problem, is me. I get way to strict, stressed out or caught up about dumb things and in the process miss out sometimes on the moments that make memories. I caught myself tonight. The kids were acting crazy at dinner, and clearly the tone of my voice they have gone slightly deaf to. After telling everyone to calm down, wishing the full moon would get here and take the pressure off, I noticed something. No one was bickering, no one was fighting and everyone was acting goofy and laughing- granted the neighbors probably heard as they could have woken the dead. But I caught it. I use to try to find one decent thing a day as my take-away for said day. I've forgotten that, and tonight I was reminded I need to start again in this new start of school phase. It might be my saving grace.

Tonight at dinner, we had a semi regular conversation starter- What is your rose, your bud and your thorn for the day? The rose is something you liked, the thorn something you didn't like and the bud is something you are looking forward to tomorrow. Tonight they mostly had to do with the start of school. Meeting their teachers, seeing their classrooms and finding a boyfriend for the year...WHAT? I'm not sure if Nora really meant what she was saying or just trying to get a reaction from everyone. Oscar quickly chimed in with, "You're in 1st grade, why don't you start with that and see how it goes." Finally, some wit and wisdom that didn't come out of my witless mouth.