...this week I was paid in moments

...I've been on a dead run for about a week. All of it was exciting. Old friends caught up with and family visited. Fun times were had...except for white knuckle driving through every storm that passed through the Midwest...But never-the-less on the go for a long stretch.

While I was home, I was blessed to be able to see two girlfriends I haven't seen in a long time...together we sat, had a cocktail, and caught up on our lives. We talked and laughed and walked down memory lane, as if no time had passed. We reconnected started up where we left off, and it was not only good for the heart, but good for the soul. I realized while we were sitting there that these sort of friends are possibly the best ones you can have in life. While we are a little older, a little wiser, and understand more about life than we did when we were 20, we still get each other. I drove off in my car afterward smiling. Smiling because of how much fun I had. Smiling because of how much I missed them. Smiling because I just remembered how fun it was to have them in my life...for a moment I felt 20 years old again.

The ending of this whirlwind week was seeing two really fantastic people get married. It has been a couple of years since I've been to a wedding. You forget all of the things that go along with it...the family, random people wanting to drink free booze, the stresses of wanting to make sure everything is perfect. This wedding gave all of that, but the best part was it was beautiful. Not beautiful in an overdone, flashy sort of way. It was beautiful because it was simple, understated, and was all about the two people deciding to spend the rest of their lives together. It was beautiful because you knew that in these people's heads, if they were the only two people in the room, that would have been enough. It was beautiful because they didn't need anything more than each other...I was just lucky enough to witness it, lucky to be a part of their special moment.

By Sunday afternoon, I finally hit the wall, I was mentally exhausted, feeling like I was on a cold medicine buzz without the medicine. Finally, all I could do was just wait the clock out until bedtime...and the TV remote was actually in my hand. In this house that is no small victory. I turned it to the Hunger Games. I'll be honest, I've seen it, but I need story line support because I'm not sure I've ever gotten the chance to watch it all the way through. Oscar was in the room with me and asked if we could watch it all the way through. Mentally beat down, I tried to tell him that it was going to be pretty late before it was over, and the kid has seen this movie about 187 times as it's one of his favorites. There was about a 14 minute pause in the conversation with us, and then he says, "...the reason I want to watch it is because I want to watch it with you..." I suddenly woke up.

This kid watches a lot of movies, I mean A LOT. He is pretty versed at who the directors are and has read up on their methods. I think movies are his escape from anything that ails him and I can appreciate that and his desire to know more about them than just what you're shown. So, I was busy asking questions here and there because I tend to get lost in movies as I rarely get to see them in their entirety here. The next thing I know, he moves from the chair across the room and sits down next to me on the couch...unheard of. We are watching the movie, telling anyone who wants to reenact THUNDER DOME to leave the room, and I realize that we are having a rare moment. We are interacting in a way that isn't son/mother, it's friends. That hasn't happened in a while. I turn to him and say, "...you know, I'm very sorry that there isn't more of me to go around. I'm sorry that I'm outnumbered and I don't always get to give you the time you deserve..." He said, "...I know, it's okay..." I said, "no it's not, it sucks..." He said, "...yeah, but that's the way life is sometimes..."

For a moment I was sort of dumbfounded that he got that. For a moment I wondered if he knew what he was saying or just regurgitating something I've probably said to him. But in that moment I realized that sometimes you just have to catch these special moments when you can. Whether it be something you experience or something you witness, you can't recreate them. You can't make them happen even if you will them so to do. The beauty of these moments, are the glimmer of security you get from them. The fact that you can go back to them when you are feeling like you're mentally hitting the wall on your day or even your life...this week I was paid in moments...

Wearing nothing but a superhero cape and a smile...

We're here...we've lived to tell the tale on another end to a school year. It's left me feeling like there are a dozen things I have forgotten to do...and I can't conjure up what they are. I feel like I'm slightly losing my mind, for basically no reason. Considering we spent yesterday afternoon playing outside and the biggest thrill was when the weather alarm announced it was only a test...for the next hour, all Atticus wanted to do was have Nora and Abe impersonate it. We're pretty easy to please and not too complicated around here.

I'll admit it, I'm not an Über-Active-Parent...I don't volunteer to chaperone school trips. I don't make it to the awards day. I don't attend the PTA. I don't know all the teachers in the boy's school. I don't try to pretend I even know what they do exactly from 8:20 am until 3:17 pm. I read the notices that come home, and that's where the act of parenting ends. They don't bring knives to school. They hopefully don't swear in school. They are dressed, fed, clean-ish, and ready to learn...even those scant things are a challenge some mornings. But, we live four blocks from the school and they've never come back home because they've forgotten their underwear...so, WIN! For me all the involvement is sort of pointless. It doesn't necessarily make me a better parent, and I'm realistic enough to know that my kids probably would rather me stay out of that part of their life sometimes. Last week, I felt like I had won the parenting lotto. Abe had to list someone he admired. I figured he would put some TV character, superhero, or even his Dad...he put me. For about 10 minutes my heart actually smiled, meanwhile I was thinking this kid is either a genius or just plain great...

For me summer sort of starts a new adventure. I'm not one to think, "...aw crap, they'll be home all summer" I try to think of things to keep us busy, sane, and for me out of the liquor cabinet. There are a few things the Talls WILL master this summer, mainly mowing the lawn and with any luck doing the laundry...yes, I'm willing to relinquish that power. Nora, hopefully will learn to ride the bike she was given last summer with no fear of falling. Though I think her main problem is she is too 'bootylicious' to properly master it right away. I'm hoping Atticus will say goodbye to pacifiers without losing my mind the process...and then he's onto a real bed. I mentally list a few goals, and if we hit them great, if not no one is the wiser. My mother-guilt flows so deep, I probably won't even notice. It's exciting to think of all we might do, all the pajama days/bathing suit days/movie marathon days ahead of us. But this summer, I have a secret I need to escape...

Not even going to sugar coat it, last summer we ran away. We fled the last day of school and were gone on and off all summer long. I think ideally I thought if we weren't here it would be easier...healthier...healing. I found out in that process that running away from what is in front of you (unless it is a rabid dog) only finds you bumping into it later. I remember the kids saying while last summer they had fun, they had wished they were here more. The fear of facing what might happen sometimes outweighs what might actually occur. The fear of just having to 'deal' was so terrifying, that when 'dealing' actually happened, it wasn't so bad.

My plans for the summer might make some unhappy, but I feel like this summer we needn't run, but stay put and see what happens. We need to start some summer habits, with any luck some things that we can have fun and not break any bones doing. Hopefully make some deep rooted memories that may include but not limited to Atticus running the neighborhood wearing nothing but a superhero cape and a smile...If you decide to drop in on us, you've been warned!

Who is Gladys?

Life only gives you what you can handle...right? There are times when I think life is trying hard to get you to notice something, and you're missing it. As if capable of giving you a wedgie to get your attention. Instead life puts all these other subtle reminders up, hoping that at some point your ignorant a*^ will wake the hell up and take notice.

For me, I notice only the obvious things. I notice through my flaws. I notice through my failed attempts. If that doesn't work, it comes in the form of a question from my kids. This week, I've pretty much nailed all of the above...but what is it telling me?

The topics of discussion here have been interesting in the last two weeks to say the least. We've tackled bullying and how to stop it happening to you. Now, I'd like to say it all played out like an after school special? But I believe the direct quote I got was, "...um, no offence Mom, but things work differently now than they did in the 80's..." Um? Burn? But the discussion was lively and made me see that I'm raising some what self sufficient kids when it came to the topic. 80's? Really?

Next topic was poverty. Are we poor? I've been asked this before. Usually I give my standard answer of, "...we have each other, we are richer than money could ever make us..." But, the older kids get, the more they need to understand the value of a dollar, and also that I'm not growing money, like someone might grow cannabis in their basement. I answered this question maybe a bit too honest. But I explained that times were tough everywhere. The people who are undoubtedly "RICH" were actually few and far between. We are on a strict budget, and that's why some things people do all the time are a 'treat' to us. Life has to have moderation, otherwise noting is ever truly appreciated.

Cut to me, opening the church bulletin this Sunday at lunch. I scan it, reading the on-goings. To see that the parishioner the church is praying for this week...is me. I read it out to the kids, clearly not masking the surprise in my voice. Hilariously, even they were questioning it. Nora kept saying, "...we need to head over there and see what this is all about..." I'm taking that as a sign. However, it did scan my brain to wonder if I had indeed always worn my underwear UNDER my clothes. There was of course, the day-glow-bra incident...

Then this morning, as I was sorting out the dungeon-like Talls room, I missed a phone call from Gladys. Who is Gladys? Well, I didn't know her either. She called and left a message from "Women in Need", and would I please call her back at my earliest convenience. My first though was, what? Need? Yeah, I need a nanny and some booze. Couldn't be that easy, could it? Well, once I got a hold of Gladys, I told her who I was. She mentioned that she thought maybe her assistant wrote the number down wrong. I asked what it was her organization did. She said they assist victims of spousal abuse. Now, laughing out loud to this probably isn't something that Gladys usually hears, but seriously? I assured her that I was not in need of her organization...

Not sure I want to know what these signs all add up to mean. Was it a life altering alert? Or just a subtle nudge to remind me that the world is still turning and we're still on it? I'll be looking up for anvils and mindful for stepping over cracks for a while.

...when the bad cop messes up...

...all any parent can ever want is to hope that at some point they understand their children. Whether it be the babbling toddler who is yelling they want something, but you have no idea what 'GAB TATG' means. Whether it be the drama queen 4 year old, who has to throw a birthday party everyday with decorations for her stuffed animal. Whether it be the overly verbal 7 year old who talks faster than his mouth will allow, constantly making me ask, 'Pardon?'. Then there's the quiet, slightly self indulged 9 year old, who keeps most everything to himself, which is an oddity in this house...he keeps it to himself, until he just can't....

After an evening of wondering if something was wrong with my quiet 9 year old, asking rather fervently if everything was okay, and getting, '...yeah, I'm fine...'. The night ended however, with the ever going debate of why he wasn't allowed to do something. I thought I answered it correctly, still asking him if something was wrong. No? Good....until Abe came down to tell me that Oscar was planning to run away....hmmm.

I quickly formulated a plan, my slightly pathetic '80s cop drama version of 'good cop/bad cop'...at this point I'm not sure if I'm Cagney or Lacey? I walked in the room, looked at him and said, "...well, sport, if you're planning to run away, you'll need a bag,(opening his closet door) I wouldn't bother packing pajamas, you'll probably just have to start sleeping in your clothes. I guess my best advice would be to pack light, and have a couple of clean pairs of underwear..." To which I walked into another room to find a backpack. I came back and he was steadily pulling out shirts from his drawer...bad cop messes up.

I came back into their room and asked him to sit down. I asked him if he knew how hard it would be? I asked him if he'd thought this out? I asked him for seven reasons to run away. If he could give me seven, concrete reasons, who was I to stand in his way of happiness? While he was thinking, I told him that I needed to remind him of something. He had no place to go. He had no money. He had very little street smarts. He had no job....and if he left, it would leave a horrible hole in our family.

I told him, that in actuality, if he thought it was his turn to run away...to get in line, it's not. BUT, I haven't ran away, I haven't given up on us, and damn it, if any one earned that right it was me...but I haven't, I'm sticking it out...the least he could do was stick it out too. So, still blankly staring at me, I asked him if he could tell me what he wanted, maybe I could try to help/fix it? This kid is stone cold. He doesn't let his emotions show. With this one question, his eyes started welling up with tears...finally, he said..."...I just want a DAD..."

I told him, I didn't blame him. I told him I would be pretty sick of me, and that's all I pretty much wanted for him too...not a replacement, but someone to fill in the gap in his heart that is missing. I had to lower the boom, that it took me six years to get married the first time. The look of exasperation on his face was priceless. I told him that the one thing that this house sorely NEEDED was patience. Our scale isn't just low on it, but we have sunk backward into negative double digits. But, the beauty of this whole thing is, our hearts are telling us that we are ready for a-dare-to-be-great-situation...what the future holds might be frightening, mainly because it's unknown, but it also can be exciting to comprehend the possibilities of what wonderful things might happen.

The conversation was ended by me asking for the final time of the evening, if he was okay and if he'd sleep on the decision to run away, at least until he had a game plan...to which he said yes. I told him, all I really want for my four gifted monsters, was a normal life again, but it was just going to take some time. The last thing he said to me was a 'would you rather'...which I thought was interesting...Would you rather have a mean husband and a million dollars, or a nice husband and a thousand dollars? To which I told him that was a no brainer, a nice husband is worth a billion dollars...