"...he's very entertaining, slightly aspiring to be the funny guy. He's a kind, caring little fellow...he does however understand sarcasm...quite well..." And so, goes the time of year when we have to face those sainted people who take our kids off of our hands eight hours a day. Those people who see our little 'angels' hopefully on their best behavior...the parent teacher conference.
For me, it's an interesting time. I'm nearly upon the last 'event' where I can say, "...I've never done this by myself before...". Tonight's conference and then Halloween, and it's like we've started a new year. I've done my best to make sure that with each passing month, we've tried to acknowledge our accomplishments (however lost they are upon me at times), and made it through another month. We are approaching a year since all of our lives have changed...
I broached, with each of the Talls teachers, the subject our lives. I wanted them to know that we are approaching an interesting time. No matter how I spin the month-to-month 'accomplishments', some of the issues I'm currently dealing with as a parent have me baffled whether it's nature or nurture. Does ever 9 year old act like I did when I was 13? Or is this our situation specific. I wanted the Talls' teachers to know that while they seem mild mannered, things could get interesting (insert reference to acting like ass clowns here). I'm not a delusional parent that feel like my children are the picture of perfection...it's lame, boring, and not half as much fun.
This house we live in, for example, has changed around us. I can sit in any room and really have to rack my brain, to find memories. In the beginning those memories were everywhere. Anything I saw, certain times of day, reminded me of Jason. It's as if we've filled it up with new ones. New memories of our new life, ones that leave you smiling instead of aching. The world, our world has changed around us, maybe because it had to. Maybe because we needed it to. Maybe because life has to go on...never-the-less, while I know Jason will always be here in our hearts, I'm actually looking forward to the approaching holidays...something I never would have considered a year ago.
We no longer are able to have anything of value within reach of Atticus. Hell, I can't even store things without his prying little hands exploring every nook and cranny of this house. He went from being this baby who could barely crawl, to a power-house of excitement with juvenile delinquent tendencies in a year. The boys have mastered door frame climbing. Nora is no longer scared of the vacuum. What once was this massive place, we've grown into, filled out...with toys and books and art supplies and school projects and Legos and Barbies. Having surprise parties for smelly stuffed animals. Running from room to room playing keep away from Atticus (Atti Attack!). Eating Chinese too often. Not eating enough vegetables. Watching movies and making fun of them. We are coming up on a time when we will no longer be able to say, "...remember last year when Jason/Dad did this?"...it's a weird feeling...
I was reminded by a my sainted friend the other day, my statue of limitations is about to run out for my situation...I won't be able to use the excuse of not doing this whole thing alone anymore. Our lives have been altered for sure. For me, the day-to-day that everyone might credit me for getting done, really is a beard. The stresses of raising four kids, alone, I at times hide behind so that I don't have to face things. Do I really want to go to family fun night? With four kids, one of which is 20 months old? NOT ON YOUR LIFE...because I'm doing it alone. Do these decisions hurt my kids? Maybe. But there is sure to be another family fun night next year, we'll see how my mental state is then.
We are about to hit this 'mythical time' everyone has told me about, the YEAR mark...it's fascinating how THAT measurement of time means, something? The YEAR mark for me, taking into consideration my day-to-day, mentally happened about 5 months ago. Fact of the matter, it's time. Time to stop making excuses about being a single parent. Time for a gut check. Time to delegate. Time to look at the new year ahead of us...I need to take more time to celebrate our accomplishments...learn from our mistakes...understand that goals are not always met...and appreciate the art of sarcasm, that has apparently gotten us through this far.
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