It was one of those days...even though there were two runny noses, not including my own, it was a good day. There were no arguments. No meltdowns. No mental desire to run to my room and lock the door at 7:30 in the morning and think, "Screw it, we are starting over!". I lie in wait...figuring the afternoon would somehow rival that of the Waco, Texas Branch Davidian Standoff. Cue the obligatory standoff music about 3:34...nothing.
The Talls came in the back door. Greeted me with their homework in their hands, and immediately sat down and did it. No arguing. No raised voices. No begging to play an iPad. Straight to task, no issues. Okay, I fixed a drink...clearly, I some how tripped into the Twilight Zone, and Atticus was some zombie man-child preparing to eat my brain...
Everyone got cleaned up, ate dinner, and helped with the dishes. I wiped a couple of noses and we started an old kids Halloween movie from the 90's...something we had already seen years ago, no biggie. Then suddenly, it hit me...I quickly figured out how my day was so picture perfect, it was the calm before the storm. They kept repeating a word in this movie...I was praying, I was the only one that was catching it. The Smalls peaced about 40 minutes in, put them to bed and came back to finish the movie with the Talls. I went to turn off the movie, and it happened...."Mom, what's a virgin? They said it like 12 times in the movie...".
Quick thinker, not really. Terrified thinker, most definitely. I covered my face for a moment, it felt like 10 minutes, pondering the answer to this question. How this really wasn't a one answer question...this would then spawn multiple questions. Not only did I not have a strong enough cocktail for this, but then the validity of all major players would then come into question- Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, Elf on the Shelf...these are the innocent players in this game. The startling notion that if I answered this wrong, I could somehow end up having to explain sex to my 9 and 7 year old BOYS...these little people, albeit I try to shelter a lot...but, I wasn't ready for THIS.
I...went with my cowardly gut. Thinking to myself, in this instance, knowledge is NOT power. I told them a vastly different definition than that of most of the Western world. The longer it took me to answer, I knew I would look suspect. I didn't REALLY lie, because I figured they'd have to look up some of the words IN the definition of a virgin to even know what it was...yeah, I chumped out. "...um, well, um fellas...um, a virgin is...someone who isn't married...Time for bed."
So...not going to win a parenting contest with this evening. I knew the whole day was beyond bizzaro...the lessons learned here are as follows: Have chilled glasses ready...Try not to scar your children for life, when they could learn the info from someone with at least the same parts...It wasn't the Branch Davidian Standoff, but I'm not going to be ready to answer those sorts of questions this close to Christmas, ever.
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