...the Green Bean Standoff of 2014

The two worst words you could say to a control freak? IT'S FINE... What's fine? Are you even fixing the problem? Do you know that I possibly know 3 ways to fix it? Do you know that "its fine" didn't even really answer the question I asked you? Hello, my name is Kate, and I am a control freak. Everyone has flaws, no one is perfect. Some flaws you have to embrace, some flaws you work at hiding and others keep you awake at night. I chalk it up as being human, everyone feels this way. However, when you see your worst traits in the humans you are trying to raise into upstanding citizens of society...

Talking to Abe about his birthday, I asked him what he wanted. He is at that age where toys aren't really on his list, clothes while appreciated are kind of boring and he really doesn't need another pair of shoes. I told him that even his Christmas list was a little skint, to which he agreed. He looked at me and said,"...don't take this the wrong way, but I really would just like some money." Eleven years old. Interesting, as I was probably still playing with Barbie at his age, but I kind of get it. But the control freak in me had me worried for a minute. Could I be raising someone who only longed for the almighty dollar?

I pondered his response and I said, "Correct me if I'm wrong, but it's not about just wanting money, more about you really don't know what to say when someone asks you what you want, right?" He said, EXACTLY. I totally get it. I too am the same way. I'm not sure if it is the control freak in me, indecisiveness or just the feeling like I want to really think it through. What I want? No one really asks you these questions when you get older, and when they do it is sort of a letdown as usually what you want is something practical. The reason no one ever says "Lousy with adulthood."

Stubbornness...it runs rampant in this house. I wonder where they get it. At first in my journey of motherhood, it was about ridiculous things like vegetables. Don't get me wrong, the Green Bean Standoff of 2014 is still discussed, mainly in hushed reverent tones. Those "stubborn tendencies" are more about not wanting to do something you know you should. But lately, stubborn has a less cute-and-cuddly connotation to it. It is now the standoff of who can proclaim their independence the best. While some things you just have to walk away from, cross your fingers and hope that they'll forget why they need/want/desire to wear only their underwear around the house...some others, well I'm sure there is a therapy session that could possibly help. I keep telling myself, this is supposed to happen, the sooner you ignore it, the sooner they will move on to some other equally annoying phase.

The ability to say, I'm sorry. Words fly fast around this house full of fast talking, quick witted, slightly sarcastic individuals. I'm glad they have the ability to "use their words" so to speak, but I'm vigilant on constantly teaching them that the two most important words they will ever use are, I'm sorry. Act quickly. Be sincere. Learn a lesson. Move on. Sometimes it goes in that order, sometimes it doesn't, but it is something that keeps me up at night wondering if they will ever learn the right order.

Pack mentality. I see it all the time. I'm not sure if it is because of what they have been through at a young age or if it is just the survival of the fittest. When my kids get around other kids, sometimes it is like they speak another language. They're not quick to include others in their game. They'll make pleasantries with a person, and then they're off, playing someone they see nearly every minute of their day. Why is that? Why wouldn't you want to mingle? Make a new friend? I've asked Nora before why she does this, and her reply is that she shy and has enough friends. Wow, there's a Hallmark movie waiting to happen.

All of these things, while not that big of a deal to most, leave my inner control freak mentally chewing on her nonexistent hair and rocking herself under the kitchen table. Every day, when I drop my kids off to school I say two things, slightly to embarrass them, but mostly to have them walk into school and think about what I said. Today, I realized that I need to say the same things to myself. So, in 2017 I have to try to let some of these things go, "make good choices" and remember "life is tough, but so are you."

... like talking to a cabby who speaks broken English

Oh...the New Year! So many rare and wonderful things to discover, so many habits to be broken, so much hormone-drama-riddled-madness...and we are only two days in. Really, I try to look at every New Year as a chance to not only kick some bad habits, but more over a time to adopt new attitudes. Looking at this year ahead of me, I'm making a conscious effort to remember that 2017 is a glass that is half full. Those silver linings that I've always cherished need to be written down or furthermore noted at the end of each day. At times they have been hard to see lately, but like I said, it's a new year so here we go.

There have been some subtle changes happening in this house, well not subtle, but everyone is getting older, acting older and more independent. There would have been a time when I longed for such things, but when they creep up on you like a cheap pair of underwear, instead of appreciating it, I have been taken off guard. It's the end of  the "veggie tray" era in this house. My children are "manure-ing"(aka maturing) as my parents put it when I was younger. I now see the hidden meaning in it, because sometimes it stinks. With maturity thrust among us, there have been a few things we have decided to banish, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

I was reminded by Abe the other day in the car, "It's less than a month until my birthday, and we haven't gone out for our special-pre-birthday-day..." CRAP! Dang-it! I totally forgot about that. I started it last summer as a way to take each kid out before their birthday for some one-on-one time with them, because let's face it, in this house-it's rare. We go out for a meal of their choice, they get to pick out an outfit and we just do something, just the two of us. With every kid it is different. With some of the kids, I was shocked to find that I needed to get to know them more, their likes and dislikes. With most every kid, the time is spent with a little indecisiveness as usually we run our show like a democracy. Who knew choosing a place to eat would be so frustrating? Initially there is a lull in the conversation on this outing, because like I said, it's rare. Today, was my day with Abe, and it was no different.

Thirteen miles. Thirteen miles from our little town to the next bigger one down the road. Thirteen miles of attempts to start a conversation by me, to which I was given the response, "...I don't know?" Whew. I'm not going to lie, I was worried after the ninth response of "I don't know?" These weren't tough questions. What are your likes? What are your dislikes? What do you want to be when you grow up? Finally, I just asked, "Ever shot a man in Reno just to watch him die?" To which I at least got a, "...huh?" With every date, I am bluntly reminded that I possibly do not know my kids the way I thought I did. The conversation usually picks up with time, but man, that first hour is like talking to a cabby who speaks broken English. Rest assured my next 'birthday date' will be much easier because he spends more time with me than anyone. Atticus has already told me that we are going to McDonalds...cheap date, I like it!

It was around Christmas that I started to notice there were a few phrases, habits and behaviors that really need to be banned in 2017. We're not talking devil worshiping, but just some things that really, if they could be replaced or outlawed all together, life would be a little easier. Here are the following things put on the "NOT IN 2017 LIST" this evening:

1. "I didn't know..." Last I checked, we all speak English in this house, there is no language barrier. If you DON'T KNOW, simply ask, I guarantee someone does.

2. "I tried..." I believe in trying your best all the time, but if it is your go-to answer, and you know the truth, don't go there...do some soul searching first. "I tried to clean my room, but I couldn't..." not buying what you are selling. Go try to shower, please.

3. YOUR OWN NAME. If someone says your name, do them the courtesy of looking at them or responding after the FIRST time they say it. If someone is required to say your name 3 times before you can answer, it's time for a Miracle Ear.

4. "No one told me..." Really? I mean, really? No one told you that you shouldn't put soda in your water bottle before bed? No one told you that you shouldn't light things on fire in my living room? No one told you that you shouldn't tie things to the cat's tail? You see where I'm going with this.

5. "I'm going to make sure I pee in the toilet today, mommy, as a special Christmas gift to you..." said in possibly the sweetest voice, but I digress. My response was, "Sweetheart, every day CAN BE Christmas!"

6. COURTESY FLUSH...or become a plumber.

7. If you complain about the processes of the management, you will be given the job to do for no less than one month...think hard about what a control freak the management is...this could be painful.

8. There will be respect, and not every thought you have HAS TO BE UTTERED. If I teach my kids nothing in 2017, I will teach them when respect is given freely, life is much more pleasant. Every word, every thought that passes your lips, you cannot take back...choose wisely.

We are ready and eager to see what 2017 holds, armed with our new list of habits to be broken. Here is to you and your 2017, hoping you find every day's sliver lining BEFORE sitting on a wet toilet seat!

...It's the most wonderful time of the year!

This time of year just seems to FLY by. The more things we do, the faster it all seems to be slipping from us-except for the fleas-they've been overstaying their welcome, but we are surviving (itch, itch, itch-just the thought). While it seems that the Christmas season is rapidly slipping through my hands, I keep reminding myself- breathe, it's only the 10th of December! When else can you hear a 7 year old who knows every word to "I Want a Hippopotamus For Christmas?" I revel in it...even if she does only sing the same two odd verses over and over again.

I have been trying to be ever-mindful of the season this year...making sure to remember and remind everyone in my house that it's not the wrappings and the trappings that actually make the memories. As always there are the never ending interruptions while trying to hide presents, the praying that this year no one will break a window/mirror/piece of furniture like in years past and the anticipation that this season holds. All of the daily holiday rituals, i.e. Elf on the Shelf and Advent candy, I really never begrudge. It's all the little things that when added together make this season what it is to my family and I. No other time of the year is there anything really worth flying out of bed to be excited about, so I savor it.

This year the holiday season has been a little different. The memories that my kids fall back into retelling are ones that we have made together since we've moved here. It is gratifying in the moment to feel like I've done something not only worth remembering but also that there isn't any sadness attached to it. I wasn't sure that we would ever have that again a couple of years ago. While I am sure that indeed both of the Talls know the truth about Santa, for the sake of the rest of the brood, they are keeping the secret. They now both understand that the excitement in perpetuating the thrill of the holiday season is what it is all about. 

Unknowingly, my kids have already given me their Christmas gifts. I have been mentally noting and thoroughly enjoying watching who my kids are growing into being this year. Not sure if it is the ages they are or the growing insurgence of independence. I have noticed how much everyone is changing and I am gratified that I only want to ring their necks half of what I used to. They are all so very different, and have certain passions in their young lives, they also are each their own perfect piece of their parents. I am beyond grateful to see some piece of myself and Jason in each one of them...sometimes more than others. The other morning, while trying to quell the never-ending-debate of who gets the first doughnut on doughnut day, Nora declared, "Well, if you ask me? Oscar should get first choice, he hasn't been the one bitching all morning..."

Where did I go with this you ask? Well, for a brief moment, I wondered if Nora had developed some sort of mental telepathy, as I was possibly thinking the same thing word for word. I then cut her a harsh look of disapproval, and said that if she had decided to start using grown-up words, there was a very LONG LIST of grown-up things that she would have to start doing around here. It was a quiet doughnut day after that. 

I guess my point is simply this... As a parent you spend of most of your time feeling like you are in the trenches, but sometimes it is reassuring to know that possibly the offspring you are working so hard to rear into non-swearing-adults, are right there with you...understanding that a functioning family, while thriving on dysfunction at times, has to work together, support each other, and most importantly love each other to make it all work. That is what it is all about. The fact that people notice these things during this time of year? Because "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" isn't something you hear any other time of the year. My kids each have four things on their Christmas lists this year. I have one...for them to hopefully know how much I love them, not only for who they are, but for making this time of year so very special to me.

I'll see you when I get there...

Four years ago today, I was blissfully unaware of where life would lead...unaware of the cards I would be dealt...unaware that life as I knew it would change forever. And today, I'm feeling that ignorance I was so lucky to have. Even four years later, it is painful.

Four years ago tomorrow would be the last time I spoke to my best friend. Four years ago tomorrow was the last time I made him coffee or complained to myself how lucky he was that I let him sleep in. Four years ago tomorrow he was rushed out of our house in an ambulance while our kids were watching. Four years ago was the last time I spoke to him with his eyes open and looking at me. He was getting ready to be helicoptered to St. Louis and I said, "I'll see you when I get there..." At the time I meant St. Louis, now I know the destination is outside the realm of this world.

Today, I wish I was "there" if only for 45 minutes. Four years later, I feel like I am finally dealing with loss. It's scary, debilitating and more painful than I ever thought imaginable. But, the loss isn't just for myself, it is for all of us. It is for all of the things we have faced and are going to face, without a husband, a father and a friend. After Jason passed away, I didn't lose it...I didn't have time. I had so much to figure out, kids to take care of and things to keep going. I became a professional at spinning plates like those people in the circus. I convinced myself that this was how I was going to deal with loss. While I know this year is just one of many that grief will be difficult, perhaps when the circus leaves town this is how it feels.

There are all of these things I cannot do or memories and experiences I cannot recreate. All of these things that kids really need their father to help them, and those same things that I long for my husband to help me from loosing my shit. In the beginning I think I thought I could play both roles and everything would be fine. But I see looks in the kids eyes sometimes, and I think to myself, "Yes, if you only knew how hard I was trying to NOT make this a shit show..." Every mother loves her children, but I am not sure if mine will ever know the magnitude of my love. I love them for two people one they see and one they cannot see.

Anger, fear and loathing, are all consuming, and I don't blame any of one in this house for feeling them sometimes. I know that the Talls would rather talk to their dad about personal stuff. I know Nora has told me she never wants to get married because her dad can't walk her down the isle. I know that Atticus looks just like someone he'll never meet, and he only knows this because everyone tells him. I have been told that maybe another "male figure" could fill in for some things in the kids lives. But the fact remains that they just don't want someone, they want their dad. I've seen people who lovingly try to step in and be that "male figure," and I almost cringe, as I know exactly what the kids are thinking...all the while praying that my kids see the kindness of the gesture before blurting out, "Step off buddy!" We will get to that place eventually, but I am not sure any of us are ready yet.

"The Little Bulldog" is what Jason used to lovingly refer to me as. He saw me give a nurse a talking-to one time when he was in the hospital, and never let me forget it. He said while that side of me didn't come out often, when it did people better look out. Well, he was probably grinning recently, as it did come out and subsequently, I no longer work outside of the home. Everything happens for a reason, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't relieved. I missed doing my full time job, the tittle I'm most proud of on my resume, raising my kids. Jason would be proud that I tried something new, but grateful that I know to put our kids as my priority.

Some days are going to just be like this and there is no avoiding it, as it will only be worse if I do. Regardless of wanting to talk to Jason one more time, chanting it to myself before I go to bed won't will it to happen. I look around and think at how much has changed and how much we all have changed. While that is scary, I know how proud he would be of all of us...four years later, that is the takeaway I have to adopt. "I'll see you when I get there..."

thank you Smelma...

Honestly, I don't know what is going on with me, but I am off. I'm not sure if it is because I've been sick on and off since Labor Day...maybe the cocktail of steroids and antibiotics are rotting out my ability to be normal? Maybe it is the fact that it is dark outside by 6 p.m.? Maybe I've just finally hit that point, you know where on-lookers are saying, "Yup, I called it, she's lost her shit...now give me the 20 bucks you owe me." Whatever the case, something has been looming for too long...and I want to be rid of it.

This time of year, well completely sucks. No matter how you slice it, it is a stale piece of cake no one really wants. Usually I give myself a couple of days and I'm done. But much like the steroid cocktail that I have been on and off, the boost of energy is fantastic-but when the bottom falls out you wish you were hit by a truck. So, tomorrow is another day, and as I am finding out, one of my favorite days to write about in the past- Parent Teacher Conferences.

Luckily this year I only have one, Nora. I am mentally preparing myself for the wild and exhilarating things I will no doubt hear about my only daughter during her off hours of being with me. She has grown so much just since school has started this year. She has discovered the "wonders" of making a sack lunch. While at first she was usually telling me she needed one whilst walking out the door in the morning, now she comes home from school and immediately starts making her lunch for the next day...I like that kind of growth. I am interested to hear what her teacher has to say, but of course mentally preparing myself as well.

My hope is that I can fill my kids with enough creative ideas and a little bit of creative expression that they can use it to help themselves when needed. It used to be when I was down, I would put everyone to bed, come into my room, write and everything would be back to normal. Sometimes, it just isn't that easy anymore. Sometimes I feel like I am complaining about the same thing over and over again. Sometimes I worry that this is the wall, like THE WALL that I have finally hit and maybe there is no way around it. It is scary. No one wants to move backward, not when they can see how far they have come. No one wants to admit that the things that used to come easily to them are now a struggle. No one really understands you, better than you...but what happens when you are the last person you understand? What then?

A woman who works where I work stopped me today and asked me if she could buy my book. I looked at her probably crazy-eyed and said, "What? ...I'll give it to you." I think I was half astonished that she even knew I wrote a book, and for a moment I kind of had forgotten I had too. It seems like a million years ago, when in reality it was like a minute. I thanked her profusely, and thought to myself, "Kate, get your shit together. You have a job to do, and you will get out of this funk." She was the first person I spoke to on my first day of work and probably will never know how grateful I am to her for sort of nudging my psyche.

It wasn't until tonight, the whole creative expression thing sort of hit me where it needed to. I was talking to Atticus before saying good-night to him. He told me that he had an imaginary friend. I asked what his name was, to which he said, "Her name, is Smelma Stinkyfeet." I said, really, is she Slavic with a name like that? He said, "No, she's from Knox, Ind. Smelma's not good with money, so to make ends meet, she has taken in a couple of horses to live with her. Her house isn't very big, but the horses help pay the bills." I dawned on me, funks come and go, but if you are lucky, creativity can stay with you forever...thank you Smelma.

...just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

It's October...and the litany of all things fall/Halloween commence. My kids love this time of year as much as I do, even Oscar today said, "Where are the fall books? I need to read some, I'm just in the mood." There will be cookies to make and pumpkins to carve and costumes to try to put together. I am grateful that my kids are still "into" these things, as I know they won't be forever. The October 1st tradition is to watch It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. As it was starting, and we were all together, I looked at every one of my kids and I touched their arm. It seemed odd, but it was like I was caught up in the moment. We have been watching this movie for as long as I can remember, for some of my kid’s whole lives. We laugh and we recant our favorite parts, it's like a secret tradition that we have always somehow kept.

So many things are happening at once it seems like a whirlwind. Some things are great while others are challenges. Nora learning to ride her bike finally seems like a rite of passage. And as promised, she got to ride to Casey's General Store for doughnuts this morning. Instead of following her in my car like I did the first time she rode her bike to school, I went along for the bike ride. She is FAST! I had a hard time keeping up with her. As I watched her this morning, I envied her lack of fear. I watched her, albeit cautiously, peddling downhill, seemingly flying and thought- ah, to be seven again. I'm proud of her for facing her fears, just wish she had a slight fear of speed at this point.

The sojourn of being a single parent at times is more than difficult. No matter how others offer to help, it is just not the same. Perhaps it is my control freak tendencies, maybe it is habit, or maybe I'm the only one who really knows these kids behind closed doors. Like the saying goes, they're good for company. Sometimes it is what goes on when there aren't any witnesses that are really truer than the sometimes-fiction they portray for others. The pangs of seeing a kid who really needs their father, a sojourn I never signed up for, but we'll get through it. Like I said, people have offered to try to step in and be that person, for which I am grateful, but it is just not the same. They will know when they are ready to speak up about it, until then I wait…and of course worry.

I am going to be more honest right now than I probably ever have been. After Jason died, there was a time when I just hated him. I hated him for leaving me a single parent. I hated him for never showing me how to do some things. I hated him for not being able to see how our kids have grown. I hated him, hated him, because somehow it took the sting out of missing him. If I could be angry at him, I wouldn't miss him. The fact of the matter is, he was my best friend and I loved him. He was a good father and a good person. Sometimes I just miss talking to him, asking him for advice or some sort of reassurance that I am doing the right thing, or saying the right thing. I'm outnumbered by people in this house who don't have the same parts as me...and sometimes that terrifies me. I miss my friend, the other half of my children, who gets them as much as I do. I no longer hate, but I hope that I am doing the right thing by him.

The last four years have seemed like a decade. My mind goes back to all the things I didn't appreciate at the time, the moments I didn't pay enough attention to or the things I didn't coin in the moment as special. Sometimes they can still knock the wind out of me. While these kids at times drive me to drink, terrify me and give me endless laundry and stories, I know that they are some of the strongest human beings I know. I marvel at how sometimes things just come together... In the middle of chaos driving down the street, Atti cheering out the window to Nora while she rides her bike,"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming." Mean while the boys show their less than stifled embarrassment to merely be seen with us...I see how far we have come, but sometimes I miss the one who isn't there to laugh about it with me.

Autumn and the voice of reason...

...my favorite time of year is finally upon us, autumn. With the temperature outside being warmer than it was on the first day of summer...it is a stretch to really feel its presence, as one or more  have been sick for the last 3 weeks in this house. At this point, I need autumn. I yearn for autumn. It has been my antidepressant for years, and at times when I have had to deal with the hardest things in life. We have had a long lasting relationship, autumn and I. In German it is called "Herbst," I always loved that word.  It is the embodiment of all good things: Charlie Brown, pumpkin patches, hot bon fires, hot chocolate and cozy blankets. As the leaves change, it is a gentle reminder that so does life. You either jump into the moving car, or get hit by it...

There have been some subtle and not so subtle changes going on in this house. The preteen quotient is soaring, and frankly I was telling someone today, "If there were a military school close enough to just use as a threat, it would be appreciated." I know noting. I was never in Jr. High School. I'm lucky to have a driver's license. The not so subtle comments mixed with small doses of testosterone and drama- yeah, I have three more times to go through this, and we are yet to the hard part. Terrifying, troublesome and TITO'S come to mind. I keep trudging away with my harebrained notions, like a pack mule going up and down the same dusty road day after day...someday I will know what I'm talking about. I was in 7th grade at one time, but I was never a boy. I have to remind myself of that. When everyone else around you has a dropping voice, five o'clock shadow and pit hair- and you aren't there yet, you have something to try to prove. Sadly, I get caught in the crossfire. It is about understanding the day, understanding the way and putting a mental "pin" in things that you know you're going to have to deal with three more times.

With the start of school, it has been sort of nice for everyone to have something to do, something new to discuss at the dinner table or something routinely to look forward to. A couple weeks ago, I was helping Atticus off with his shoes, talking about his day- and it hit me. He was talking a mile a minute, describing things into great detail, and I was sort of in awe. He wasn't speaking in a sort of baby way, he was using big words, using his hands to speak, he was instantly grown. It probably was happening subtly, but I nearly fell over as it sort of caught me off guard. Since then, I've noticed he has become this ball buster. Day to day speaking to my kids, they tune me out sometimes I don't blame them. Maybe because I speak too much? Maybe because they don't want to hear what I have to say? In the last two weeks I will say something, and it is crickets. The next thing I know, Atticus is sternly announcing, "HOW ABOUT WE ALL CALM DOWN HERE AND QUIT ARGUING." The first time, I almost laughed out loud. But since then, it's like he's my mental evaluator, letting everyone involved know, that indeed this chick is going to lose it, you don't get a second warning. Tonight it happened, and I just pointed at him and said, "Ah, the voice of reason..."

To many, autumn is the not so subtle reminder that winter is just around the corner. To them, it isn't the beauty of the colors all around them, but the dying off and the subsequent clean up. I guess I look at this season differently because it has also represented some very hard things in my life...change that no one asked for, clean up that no one wanted to face. But in that same moment I have to remind myself that there is definitely something bigger, a higher power, because how could anything that is dying off be so beautiful? How could any time of the year just by becoming crisper outdoors bring people together? No matter what this time of year has brought me, I am reminded of where I am, why I am here, and how lucky I am to get to enjoy it...with the voice of reason and my possible reasons for Tito's.