...No Soft Kitty...

I don't claim to be an expert in what it is that I am doing. I don't feel for one second that I know what it is that will happen next. I don't really understand the process of grieving, other than the fact that it is a process you have to let happen. Never skipping a step, as you are bound by fate to have to go through it one time or another.

I haven't read any of the books. I'm not proud of that. I've been given tons. With only the simplest of gestures from someone's heart to mine, I cannot bear to crack them. I am not sure if it is because I'm scared. I'm not sure if it is because I'm lazy. I'm not sure if it is because I lack the time. I'm fairly certain it's because I fear I'm going to be made to look at my downfalls over the last 16 months. Like kicking dirt over a hole, it just doesn't fill up the same.

I've been able to classify the stages of grief that I've been through so far. I've understood them for what they are and waited them out. Knowing the next one I go through puts me further through this whole thing. Fear, sadness, anger, isolation, resentment...not necessarily in that order. Now it seems I've cornered the market on 'my' next one...disappointment.

It sucks. It sucks to know that you have disappointed someone. It sucks to know that it can't really be taken back. Problem is, I feel like I'm at a crossroads. Once I would have tried to change myself to quell the situation. But, currently, I cannot. It's frustrating, as my only excuse is that "I don't know what I'm doing" doesn't make the situation better. It's infuriating to know that maybe you are your worst judge of self, but seeing it in someone else's eyes...it's cutting. I guess the hardest part is that meanwhile, you are living your life, knowing you are doing your best. But, it's part of the process?

I'm not looking for validation of what I do. I'm not looking for someone to 'Soft Kitty' me and tell me I'm a champ. I just want this feeling to go away. Far, far away, with the rest of these words used earlier in this process. I know it has to run it's course, however. I know that my actions effect others. I know that I will fill the hole eventually...maybe with dirt, maybe with liquor bottles.