I have people snowed...I have no idea what I am doing. Honestly, I feel like I should some how start a pyramid scheme, offering what little I have for a chance to make $100,000 from home, or some such nonsense. I play a good game, but I mostly get played. I think to myself at times...really? It could be worse, I could be getting a head lice notice. I have to look at it as a joke at times. Even though it's not, this whole thing is freaking hilarious...or at least that's what I remind myself when I'm just about to loose my s**t...
Every parent questions what they are doing. Every parent wonders if the decisions they make will scar their children, require them to have therapy, or just something to chortle over at cocktail time when they are parents someday. Life and parenting isn't nice enough to give you a hand book or syllabus to guide you through. At times you are able to think back from one kid to another what you might have done to remedy a situation. While that does work for me, not every kid is the same, and I have to remind myself (constantly) that I've never done this before. I have never had a seven year old being a single parent before. I've never had an 18 month old, who has now learned to scale the lower kitchen cabinets in just under 7.9 seconds, by myself before...I had back up. I had a teammate. I had someone who knew when I was about to freak-out, and would step in so as to calm the voices in my head...but, the teammates have changed.
I am strict. I know this. I run a tight ship. Not because I enjoy feeling lousy with power, I do it out of necessity, for sanity, and because it works for me. I am noticing now, however, that the rules are sort of bending here and there. Let's face it, there is a time, a certain time, of day when things are HECTIC. Some people deal with the morning rush. Some have bedtime dramas. For me, it's those wondrous, splendid hours between 3:30 and 6...
Doing homework, making dinner, dreaming (or maybe not) of a cocktail, keeping the savages-mainly Atticus- at bay. Long enough to finish the task of feeding offspring, cleaning up, answering 26 questions that I have no answers for (ah hem, Nora), queries of what's for breakfast, is there desert, and why does one HAVE to shower? I have now discovered, that I'd rather clean the table myself, if I know that someone is entertaining Atticus before he's discovered down the street in the neighbors trash can. I don't mind if I take the trash out, if I know that for about 2.8 minutes, I get to leave my house unattended. The funny thing is, these job swaps aren't going unnoticed...if I get an argument about being Atti's warden, I remind them they could be cleaning the upstairs toilet? Silence and a nod of "...duly noted."
While my teammates have changed, clearly the phrase "choose your battles" has never rang more true to me than it has in nearly the last 10 months. There's no 'tag-team' situation here. There is no one but me to quell the madness that has been referred to many times as THUNDER DOME. About once a month, I stress over it. I agonize over what I need to repair. How I need to soften. Or how to lay the hammer down, that doesn't leave a scar, but states that I'm the one in charge with respect given and received. There are times when I feel like, what the hell am I doing? ...but then there are moments...
The moments of when I am talking to Oscar, having an quasi-adult conversation, laughing and joking and there is no mention of Legos. Moments when I see Abe be nurturing to Atticus (and Nora, even though she drives him nuts), in a way that makes me feel like we are in this together. Moments when watching Nora's mind bloom right in front of me, as she writes her letters- always clearly stating first, "...an E? Of course I know how to write that!". Moments as I watch/hear Atticus learning to say more and more words, and I have to chuckle when I hand him what he wants and he mumbles a crude 'thank you'.
We'll be headed out for 'ice-cream-for-lunch' on Saturday. The monthly reminders of survival-of-the-fittest are now best served cold and creamy. It's a place were we can be messy, laugh, and make new memories, new moments. At the end of the day, for me, it's the moments when my kids appreciate me for what I am doing for them, all the while understanding that I am not perfect. At times they catch me off guard by their actions in this way...as if some how they know that I need a sorry, thank you, or I love you, at just the right time. It seems that the best/biggest payoff for what I am now doing, is indeed paid in the simplest of gestures...
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